被爱是幸福，爱人是痛苦。

这是一种恶劣循环...

I thought I could be distracted by keeping myself busy. But its only temporal it seems. God, help me. I never really wanted help in this way. But I could do with some enlightenment really.

My link is not on my msn anymore. I suppose I get lesser viewership but it's good in a way:) I'm getting a little too emotional for everyones good. And before people start questioning me about stuff. Like i said, I'm a real bad liar.

Counting down to my birthday already... Kinda dreading it, like always.

With this post. I shall end the longest day of the sem.(for now)

reminiscing the times...

Some people walk into our lives, holding our hands and bringing us through our tough times. In Singapore, for some of us, the 25 years of our lives are crafted out into that few phases. And every time we step into a new place, these people put our hands into others, and we continue with our pilgrimage. Few years later, we wonder, what happens to them, and if they still remember us. We really cant say for sure that Friends are forever, but memories will be. Thanks for being part of my life.

That few people who came to talk to me despite everything when I was in AMKNPS, Regina especially. I remember the moment at the foyer when you told me not to cry. I was really trying hard not to. And thanks guys for allowing me join the soccer gang when I had nowhere to go.

It really got better when I transferred to NSPS. Thats when I realise that girls are actually kind, at still at some point of time bitchy. but nonetheless, nice. And You, who made me realize that we really cant trust guys. Thanks for the lesson.

My time in CVSS was pretty interesting. Clad in the "table cloth" I was still very proud of the council badge and the black tie. Best in the neighbourhood I thought. HAHAH. The carpark brings back memories. Where we let the wild child within out, and also where I got suspended. I had my principles then, so punishment or not, i stick to them. But that moment was classic. I think theres a reason why we werent allowed to loiter in the carpark. The devil lurks there.

I miss my welfare zone (I dont miss the creepy stalker), miss the banner painting sessions, miss the bbqs in school, miss lying in the middle of the courtyard or the basketball court looking at stars, miss the walk home from school everyday, miss bar-stretching (not the guys who stare at us from below), miss dance rehearsals, miss running in and out of the office and the stinky council room, miss the irritating music that signals assembly time and screaming at the Ah bengs to assemble and tuck in their shirts, miss the time where we could be rebellious and do foolish things. Did so many things within that 4 years... Time really flies.

NY life was pretty arty farty. Finally I didnt have to do science. History and Literature. oh and math, pfft. Choir after school, sing sing sing. Nua and sleep in the beanbags in Lit Room. Really love that hangout place. The most awesome classroom ever. But i missed out horrible math and econs consultation sessions. Econs was a nightmare for me. Or rather, Ms. Poh was. LOVE the choir girls :) Being the only person with my combination, its hard to bond with the classmates. The lit clique is all over the place now. :(

But my precious darlings from choir, you know who you are, SMILE! (ps faith - i know you are secretly thinking that i'm not doing what you said at popeyes. HAHAH) I rather have few close close friends than a sea of acquaintances.

Friends who are still in my life, lets keep it going :) I believe my life will only get better each day! YAY.

damn, DBSK made me blogged for so long. Seeing how close the 5 of them were, and what has become of them. damn saddening. Nonetheless, my top 3 bias, JYJ is awesome.... :D when the best voices come together. MELTS....

I need to stop emoting. I need distractions. The readings aren't doing a good job. The music makes things worse. OH BOY! I wanna scream (sing) !!!!

I'm a bad liar. But, I lied, nonetheless.

If you saw through it someday, and if you want to know the truth.

Ask me again, and I will tell you the truth.

If you're reading this, right now it probably wouldn't mean anything.

But remember this post, cause someday it will...

shudders, i actually typed the above.

P.S. Roomie, don't worry, cause i'm a pessimist and a retard. my heart tells me that the last guy on earth probably wouldn't fall me. So even if i sound hopeful, deep down I actually don't think so. :) or :( IDK!!! BUT THANKS ALOT FOR HEARING MY CRAP BOTH OF YOU. BITCH AND ROOMIE. :D

It's hard to live in a world where only that few number of people truly understand me, and when that few aren't inclusive of my parents. A part of me longs for home, and a part of me dreads it. Wish Theres somewhere where I could be who I am. Heaven is still so faraway... God, I think I've learnt enough, so would you do something? Not just for me, but for us... My threshold is just that big, and I'm really up to my limits. So God, before I hate home, could you do something?


From my fingertips

It's a white lie


From my fingertips

Packed day!! And according to Mr. Past-midnight 's theory, I only had one meal yesterday. Hahaha but I alrdy had breakfast.. Oh well, mooncake for lunch

Sometimes I think no one reads my blog. Sometimes the most unexpected people read it. But sometimes I just wish you would. It's an odd feeling... Unhappily happy. Argh.

To go or not to go for cg?? The hectic week makes me wanna go home and mug, or mug then go home. Missed out too much! And so much for wanting to improve on my gpa. I'm sure God wants me to mug right? :)

I'm a loner at school! Omg :(

From my fingertips

Time will do the talking.... Just how we get through during these times


From my fingertips

i suppose it was okay! Many many thanks who turned up and sat through the rally! (esp the few of you who came and ate non stop in the function room. i secretly heartached a little ^^) Thanks to those who helped me prepared, and the well wishes from some of you. And also special thanks to Beer and Kevin who gave me easy questions. (K: no wonder you said your questions will only help people. hahah) lastly, Thank you God. :D

HAPPY BELATED MAF PEOPLE! I really shouldn't be blogging now cause its already 2:18, i'm at page 5/27 for one of the 2 readings. and my tutorial isnt making any sense to me, but still... here I am. just realised i didnt reply you, bitch. HAHAH. sorry, as always. i'm really sorry that at times i don't reply. but i will asap k! LOL and sorry again to you girls, i'm really quite busy lately! unless u all wanna come all the way here den i can slot in a few hours! damn bad i know, thats why i say i cant make it instead! i hope the next time i meet you all wldnt be my birthday. Elaine and Manda seemed to already have disappeared from my life. DAMN SADDENING I TELL YOU.

i think its really the night, and the music... and the moon?

and i'm really quite confused by what i'm feeling.... seriously.. i need an idiots guide. I sound like a guru when I help others, but I'm stuck when it comes to me. ARGH&@^&@^&@^$%^@&$(*

有时装潇洒，以为这样就没关系。

有时假装冷漠，就可以不受打击。

有时却忘了，装着装着，他人就会渐渐忘记。。。其实我不是你们想象中那么勇敢。。。

oh my 天。。。。what a bad time to emo D:

A movie after so long. Like I told Faith, 1 month or 2 without a movie is excruciatingly long for me. I thought it was a norm. More movies on my list, so fellow movie goers please text me cause I wouldn't refuse a good movie :D

Justin Long and Drew Barrymore, real chemistry eh? Really sweet couple though. Both charming in their own ways. Out of the blue, Richard Gere popped in my head, ah, hes a walking definition of HOT. Please pardon my fetish for old guys. Speaking of which, I feel like watching a Mel Gibson movie NOW... damn. I should get back to the marketing text. Many many thanks to Lydia who lent it to me :) Totally saved my life, and my pocket.

A thought striked my head during the movie, and Jason/Colbie's Lucky was playing in my head. "I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend". For some, its a natural thing to be in love with the guy bestie, but for some, its just plain awkward and inadequate, as though committing incest. Well, for some people, they just dig everyone. Urgh... screw off these people. LOL! I call this group the "any-ball-go" category. But it really is essential for the lover to be a best friend at the same time. Imagine not being able to fart or swear freely in front of him/her. There should be a certain level of comfort and understanding with each other before a man and a woman get together ain't it? Still, theres people out there who prefer going into a relationship and then get comfortable. Wouldn't it be too late when you realise how uncomfortable it is?

Also, seeing how Erin was looking out for a job kinda scared me. Its gonna be much worse in the future because Singapore being Singapore, only has Singapore. ok, what a circular statement. I ought to be shot for saying that line. LOL! What I was trying to say, was that theres only SPH over here in this small Island. If they don't want me, then I'll have to screw myself in some corner (T_T ) Oh well, God has his plans, so I will not fret for now. Lets just see what he has in mind for me. I always think the future is exciting. HAHAHA. and I always want to grow up faster, and then regretting it. Maybe not regretting what I'm going through, just regretting how much I wanted time to pass, and then without knowing, I've already gone through almost 2 decades of youth.

My bladder is signaling for me to stop here. its Lydia's birthday in just half an hour so I should just go pee first and pop by roomie's room.

Toodles people!

3:33...
Still wide awake..
Had a long conversation with mummy. A part of me was burning and dying to get her to go for a Chinese service. Not the pious, new church go-er mentality but one of a filial daughter. I told her alot of things. From the general outlook of life to the most private level of our emotions. The above post o mentioned about being old. And she asked me the exact same question. Why are you not speaking like your age should? She asked me after I shared my thoughts with her, how I could see through certain people. I told her what i said below. She didn't remember the past events and insisted I made them up. To a point I was actually almost convinced that maybe a part of me did conjure up hallucinations. But no, my brother remembered too. I was only p1 or even younger then, yet those images stayed vivid in my mind.


At this point, I just want to clarify a point, that is I'm not emphasizing that I'm mature or anything. In fact, I don't think I am. I just went through more than most people my age, forced to start maturing earlier than others. If anything, I will simply say the latter mentioned. Perhaps the same reason why I am unable to clique with people my age or younger unless they themselves have gone through quite a bit. Most of my close fiends had. You guys will know it if im talking about you. I had a greater affinity with seniors, incidentally or coincidentally. Incidentally but not purposefully. I can only say it happens naturally and subconsciously. I'm not one who bootlicks or anything just because you are of higher status or of older age. I agree with what I hear and disagrees accordingly. This as a result may seem condescending to those who don't know me well. I'm just into intellectual debate and sharing. If I disagree with you, don't be taken aback. And if I say I think so too, I really do! (:
I don't speak very well, and my thoughts aren't exactly organized. Which is why I find it so much easier to communicate through written and visual forms. I can insert ideas here and there or deleting certain words and organize them as and when. Stop and think carefully before continuing. This is how I am. I may not sound coherent because I'm like J. Joyce, going along with my stream of consciousness that jumps here and there. Switching and off from the real world and the labyrinth inside my warped mind. And I say my brain is warped , don't doubt it. It's twisted like I said down there. Which is why I really fancy those seagulls n seaweed kinda questions.

Aight, I should really try to sleep. It's 4:03. Exactly half an hour passed. Nights to myself and bye to whoever is reading this.:)
P.s. I really welcome comments and discussion so do talk to me if you have any comments or questions reading my stuff. I will be more than happy to talk. Let's not make talk cheap. We need to find greater value in talk.



From my fingertips

This little girl was wearing the digimon jacket I used to have!! Brings back so many memories of when I was young. Hmm, can't really remember much of my childhood though, but I really am starting to feel old. Especially when people ask if I'm 21. Though I'm physically not, I feel pretty old inside. My mind started growing since god knows when, basically, when people were worrying about not going to the amusement park, crying and whining, I was already thinking if my mum was going to die, either she kills herself or my brother kills her. Or if I end up killing myself. Or when people were wondering what to eat from the school canteen, I was wondering which toilet I was gonna eat in. I'm glad as I got older, I don't have such things to worry about. It's an irony how these things bothered me when I was younger. Ok, enough of the depressing things.
Need to build up my soul :) *humpf....* a light glows above me and.... Nothing more hahhaha!


From my fingertips

蚯蚓的故事

我昨天有一个领悟。。。

就是，丑小鸭会变天鹅，毛毛虫终究会变成蝴蝶。。。

蚯蚓看着毛毛虫，心里想着，哇。。可能我也会变成美丽的蝴蝶。

可是等待变得太漫长，蚯蚓就想，一定是有什么问题。

蚯蚓想尽办法，甚至把自己全身涂绿，把自己吃得有点肥。。

心里想着，可能多一阵子，就可以变成蝴蝶了！

怎么知道，等着等着。。。一直都没有任何变化。。
一天蚯蚓在爬行。。。他爬得好累。心理期待着飞翔的一天。。

绝望的他爬着，这时候他仰着头，只看到Nike的大钩钩，然后世界瞬间变得黑暗。。。

就这样，蚯蚓花了一生的时间，等待，期待。。。而在最后一刻，也只能抱着期待。。。

他不知道，原来蚯蚓就是蚯蚓。。。不可能变成在花瓣中停息的蝴蝶。

昨天在球场上，灯光照在身上，那个感觉超棒的。只是，当下我希望我是在舞台上，而不是，不属于自己的地方。有时候觉得自己想法有点幼稚，香烂草莓一般。可是，如果可以停止自造伤害。何尝不是一种解脱方式。。？

最近心情很复杂。。。起起落落的。。一下空着，一下又觉得暖暖的。。。　

可能因为我还在学习。。。　而想你的习惯，也在尝试戒掉。只是真的有些难度。。。

加油加油加油！！！

what do we do at crossroads?

what do we do if we can't hear our shepherd?

who else can we call upon?

No one else for me, so lord, do find me here.

right here...

我寂寞寂寞就好
这时后谁都别来安慰拥抱
就让我一个人去痛到，忘不了伤到快疯掉
人本来就寂寞的
借来的都该还掉

Bought hebe's first solo album:) can't wait to hear it tomorrow.

What's done is done. We can only 'forgive' but we most probably can't forget. We can't hit a rewind button and hope that we never did or say something. So, whatever we do, think of it's consequences. This is one of my bane. I think too much, and whatever I do has a reason, though it may sometimes be understood. But trust me, I always have my reasons for doing every single thing. Including choosing an appropriate time to shit. My mum said to me after lunch :'sometimes I really don't know what goes on in your head. You constantly look blank' I told her Im not blanking out. I just think too much such that every move I make, I'm thinking for the best scenario. Its not that I don't think, I just think too much. This alone is often misunderstood and misinterpreted.

Secret recipe is dirt cheap over at jb. Cab fares too. Bitch, it's not my fav hangout but there's really no where left to go in Singapore! But actually we haven't explored alot of places. The next time we should explore new places. Make use of technology like google map and other cool apps hahah. School officially starts tomorrow so I should at least try to close my eyes and try to sleep. Nights all:)

Romans 5: 6-21

Was expecting more from the arrow service today, but nonetheless it was good.
Left early, so probably would have miss out some things.
I'm a believer, yet I'm not joyful. Maybe I haven't opened up my heart enough for Him, knowing or unknowingly...
But it sets me thinking, that I should, then maybe then, I will be happy, not for one moment, but for most of my days. :D

I'm starting to feel it :) call it a placebo if you must. But I believe he will pull me up, and I will be a somebody, for I have all the strength I need. Its not just me, I'm living a life of Christ.

Okay, I shall not let this be too overwhelming for non-believers and the cynics.


After months of search, my parents got me a wallet as my birthday present. They got too frustrated seeing the way I shop for one. Everytime I go out with them, they will say," no wonder you are still single. at the rate you are going, you will be single all your life. SO CHOOSY!"
I'm not choosy, even for wallets, I believe theres a right one. My parents can force me to use a wallet they buy, but they cant force me to marry the one they want. My mum brought me to Bonia to see if I saw something else that I liked and make an exchange instead. I told her "you're like putting me on a planet with Old rich men, asking me to pick one out of these selections." So I settled for the one they bought for me instead. So the wallet you see me carry around, is the one I'm talking about right now. I just think its quite a waste to spend so much on something that isn't the right one. I don't mind owning a 20 dollar wallet, nor would I mind splurging, if I think its the right one. Well, the search continues, and it will be a long search, so till i find the right one, i will make do with what I have.

gosh, i'm a naggy old woman. I can go on and on about a single wallet. LOL! no pun intended on the term 'single'

Can't wait to get Hebe's solo album tomorrow!!! Shes lovely!!! Shes like Ms-perfectly-not-so-perfect. secret confession only to my beloved readers : she switches on my lesbian tendencies!!! (if theres any)

My mum is calling for me to get to bed again, nighty nights! :D

I hope I get some answers today. Break these shells of mine.


From my fingertips

不知道為什麼。。。
在鍵盤上打了那麼多 LOL 和 HAHAH，好像都沒用。。。
反而像是在諷刺我，嘲笑坐在熒幕後的我。。

阿密特的分生
“一個我在網絡上朋友一堆，一個我在房間裡獨自面對。灰色的音樂塞滿黑夜，high 得像麻醉”

希望可以不要再一直打中文字了。。
希望可以不要在想一些沒營養的東西。。
希望可以不要太在意。。
希望可以不要想你或為你痛心。。

每次想哭的時候都會忍住，不知道哭出來後，會不會更好。。？　

謝秀盈！你給我快樂一點！！！！！！！！！！！

I have a million questions for you.

one links to another, and it never ends.

好像看见你一面，心情就会变得好一些。。

同时，也让我心痛的却不只一些。

我知道你的心已被占据，但我还是无法停止对你的想念。

好想知道你的一百分会给怎样的人。那我会尽力，考上一百零一分。

但我知道，就算我有两百分，你也不会多看我一眼。。

Juniors/neighbors made my day today :) really glad to be recognized as "the singer" and with people who like my voice not because we're friends or anything. Now I realize how important each fan and applause are to the singers up on stage. It's not the growing digits in the account balance that spur them on, but the recognition and appreciation of their talents that keep them going despite all the shit they have to go through. Thanks to all my friends and some 'fans' on YouTube , for boosting my confidence and helping me out of the mess of inferiority complex. I will constantly improve!:)