I guess when the dates are drawing nearer, and you have no idea what crossreferencing means, it means you are in deep shit, and it means you should not be thinking about any other things.

I feel better, handling things better. And Thank you Faith, but somewhat after telling you some stuff, i feel like i'm not so sure afterall. and its a good thing, cause i wouldn't wanna be sure of that.

When you wish upon a star

I need my coherence. Being coherent shows that my thoughts aren't brief and frantic.

I need this composure. I wish I didn't let my guard down. I wish I hadn't been so soft. I wish I didn't wish for me to fall in love. I wish, I wish, I wish. No wonder they say, be careful what you wish for. For now, I just wish for composure and calmness, to do well for my assignments, and to do well for the exams. Thats all now, a safe wish isn't it? Then I'll bear the rest of the weight when the exams are done. Perhaps it would have been too late, but I wouldn't have done anything else. I know how it feels, so I wouldn't want anyone else to go through this. Especially a friend. It seems i'm always the one backing out, retreating and letting go. Just that this time, its hurting much more. I guess i've let my guard go down too low. It hits you most when you expect it the least. Well, theres nothing else to do now. Cry my heart out at my breaking points, wake up the next morning, and pretend to feel okay. God, is there anything else I can do? If this is your test for me, and you want me to learn to pursue, I'm sorry. No matter how much its gonna hurt, i'm letting go, so won't you ease the pain for me?

我决定不一切堆一边，

因为不值得。。。

没时间了。

知道

她让你憔悴许多

她让你不知所措
她一句一动你不停的对我说
我微笑倾听你说
我却越听越心痛
怎么你说的不是我
他比我多了什么
让你愿意耐心等候
你让我憔悴很多
你让我不知所措
你一句一动我的心被牵着走
她不经意的走过
你就把我给冷落
嫉妒把我给吞没
她比我多了什么
让你愿意耐心等候



我想知道她让你痴心是什么
我想知道她让你疯狂为什么

我知道做的和她没有不同
但是我却不在你心中逗留

我想知道她哪里比我好很多
在你心中她和我有什么不同
我知道我比她付出的还多
可是我总换不了你的心动

ho~哦...
我知道了她哪里比我好很多
在你心中我永远不可能让你心动
我知道我比她付出的还多
可是我在你心中没有她多

痴心绝对  

 想用一杯latte把你灌醉

 好让你能多爱我一点

 暗恋的滋味你不懂这种感觉

 早有人陪的你永远不会

 看见你和他在我面前 

证明我的爱只是愚昧 

你不懂我的那些憔悴 

是你永远不曾过的体会 

为你付出那种伤心你永远不了解 

我又何苦勉强自己爱上你的一切 

你又狠狠逼退我的防备 

静静关上门来默数我的泪 

明知道让你离开他的世界不可能会 

我还傻傻等到奇迹出现的那一天

 直到那一天你会发现

 真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲  

看见你和他在我面前 

证明我的爱只是愚昧 

你不懂我的那些憔悴 

是你永远不曾过的体会

 明知道让你离开他的世界不可能会

 我还傻傻等到奇迹出现的那一天

 直到那一天你会发现 

真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲

 曾经我以为我自己会后悔 

不想爱得太多痴心绝对 为你落第一滴泪

 为你作任何改变 也唤不回你对我的坚决 

为你付出那种伤心你永远不了解 

我又何苦勉强自己爱上你的一切 

你又狠狠逼退我的防备

 静静关上门来默数我的泪 

明知道让你离开他的世界不可能会 

我还傻傻等到奇迹出现的那一天 

直到那一天你会发现 

真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲 

直到那一天你会发现

 真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲

You can come now and take it all away.



On da moove

Christmas is almost here.

The memories are still left at my doorstep.

Don't ask me why..

Hillsong - Believe (Beautiful exchange)

my favourite worship this month!!!

i'm on a rollercoaster....

and

one moment i see the light,

one moment i don't....

Keep bleedin I keep keep bleeding love..


On da moove

Things will fall into place.

What will be will be..

Quechua is as irritating as my cramps right now.

disgusting...

Feel so much better after talking to Para. One awesome hei-ren. hahah

so it was all a misunderstanding, all my hallucinations, but then again, it still gotta stop. and it will.

With God's grace, i will stand strong and l believe, it will be all be good.

looking at my old memories just to remind myself how unworthy guys are. freeze my iceberg once again, its defrosting, but i believe i can stop in time.

I think God gave me the power and strength to share, even when I am left with nothing.

what a breather. I dont know how, but i felt it being lifted off me. For now, i will work hard

this is really the hardest thing I've gone through in my entire love life. Guess i never really really liked someone until now. it feels like hell ( though i've never been through it ).

this is the worst feeling I've ever felt. God?

忍一忍吧，忍一忍就应该过去。。。

可以吗？

Build the walls higher.

the tides are still crashing.

foreboding danger...

the spirits linger

cold and stale the air.

the abandoned tower

constructed from debris

forlorn and barren.

the waves crashing in,

bring the bricks,

bring the concrete,

build, hurry, build.

我現在一被碰就會碎了。


On da moove

心情還是很down..


On da moove

sew me up whatever pieces you can find.

see whats left behind,

and sing me the final lullaby.

rock me to sleep,

as deep as it can be.

let me not wake,

to face the reality.

curiosity kills the cat. (oh my god, thanks to phonetics my spelling is awful now. i spelled Cat as Kaet @_@)

the cat has nine lives, curiosity kills me as well, but i only have 1 life. How?

i need more sophisticated posts, i think my blog really lack content now. sorry blog, i'm ruining you. big time. I promise I will get myself back, soon? maybe.

not bad, i've hit the 1k word count, and still counting.

sometimes i feel like what i type don't make sense half the time.

so i go back and forth on my word count. My backspace key will get jammed up sooner or later.

I need to bear in mind that I'm not God. I cant control my fate, i control anyone else's either. So suck it up, and live what God has plannned out for me? I believe, in the greater things to come. So what is the pain now. Heard Pastor Prince's sermons dated in 2003. Give all your cares to God! give all your worries to him. Trying hard. it aint easy, so don't blame me for wavering.

aight, back to work :) [ a smiley? in a long long time, i shall put one, there, i already did]

i want a hug.

i think i'm falling sick.

i guess when the heart is,

the body can feel it.

你太猖狂

詞/曲：林夕/陳小霞

編曲：王治平
製作人：王治平

能約出來的人都約光
能吃得下的早已吃光
很用力談笑 比哭還絕望
怎麼挨得到打烊

我以為痛苦可以分散
於是我忙到不能再忙
忙到忘記了洗掉你所有短訊
一字一巴打在我臉上

思念太猖狂 一個冷不防
一想起你 忙碌的生活變得空蕩蕩
對心事說謊 把你想到多麼的不堪
偉大的你還想我怎樣

我以為工作能夠療傷
甚至恨不得病倒再算
沒力氣遐想 誰知癱瘓在床上
越發渴望你就在身旁

思念太猖狂 一個冷不防
一想起你 忙碌的生活變得空蕩蕩
對心事說謊 把你想到多麼的不堪
偉大的你還想我怎樣

你也太猖狂 一個冷不防
睡到一半 才覺醒療傷先要哭一場
對世界說謊 只把自己哄騙得更慘
想得到釋放只有投降
想得到釋放只有投降

Why is bus c stuck at hall 12 for so long ?!?!


On da moove

am i handling this the right way?

i don't know what else to do...

累的不想說話，不想聽話。
只想癱瘓在床上


On da moove

真的好累啊。。。
我的心真的受傷了


On da moove

我笑得好累。。

Too many things going on at the same time, so i've chose to ignore all of them and only focus only on my assignments right now. Cutting networking sites but retaining the blog because I do need this avenue to dump my thoughts. and i need some place personal/private.. not many are reading these now, cause i removed it from my msn nick. so for those who are still reading this, it should show a certain level of friendship u have with me. yes, from my tweets, im sure most of you will know i'm going through something right now. I'm feeling better, and thanks to my awesome acting skills, i'm assure you guys wun see the mopy me yesterday night. i already hid myself pretty well and emo-ed subtly, i don't know how alvin still managed to see it. ( i think you did after you asked me that qn yest? ) but anyway, i hope this episode will allow me to work harder since it will be the only safe distraction, and i hope that by working, i will not have much more energy left to think about any other matters. I already feel drained, so a little bit more, and i'd have dried up my emotions.

what a post. i feel the dark clouds and thunder hovering above the blog already.

and i somehow secretly don't mind being smashed later, some external smashing probably will take the internal one away.

jiayou all. jiayou myself.

I love my lock-screen.
Serene and hopeful .
I'm sure I need to learn that.

Looks like I really want to give up now. This is too much. Someone tell me you'll take my pain away, then it'll be easier for me this way. Someone, anyone, rescue my heart.


On da moove

focus my dear girl.

everything's fine.

i'll just push the blame to my hormonal imbalance to keep things simple.

why am i procrastinating so much??!! i think i'm gonna screw up the exams, by the time i'm done with the assignments, its time for exams. ahhhhhhh, stop procrastinating and feeling sleepy!!!!!!

looks like its either make or break for this assignment.
wheres the smarty pants who sent KK that email yesterday night.
Greater Expectations, and I need more brain juices to fill that big pair of shoes. eew.
and all's great, when the essay that he's so looking forward to read is at a word count of 0.
amazing, i'm gonna start now.

Been a long while since I cried this hard. I don't know why it hit me so strongly this time. I mean, it's over and all's well now. But the thought of my mum having gone through all that. I dont know, it broke my heart when I saw that MTV. Deep down inside there's this fear. I never thought of what will happen, because i don't wanna think. I think I wasn't understanding enough. I felt like a bad daughter. I felt like what I did wasn't enough. Maybe i couldn't have done anything. But maybe I should remind myself to be more giving and more loving towards her. I felt like hugging her just now. Because I know that should I be in her position I will want someone to give me warm hug and tell me I'm still loved despite everything. Our existence are built on people's love towards us ain't it? So when we start to question our existence, isn't it one of those times where we don't feel loved or worthy enough for this world?

Having typed this post. I dont want you people to guess and judge. If you really are curious, you can ask me straight. But don't set your own judgement on what I post. Afterall this is a blog, a home for my thoughts and q place for friends whom I may not be able to meet up/ catch up that often. And also friends around me who has open up their hearts to me. I take all my words seriously, albeit being fickle at times. So don't twist it and come up with your own perceptions. I don't want to breed misunderstandings. Don't stir my harmony.


On da moove

Location:Nanyang Crescent,Singapore,Singapore

What a torture this is.
Going through the same thing over and over.
I'm tired. I believe my friends are tired too, listening to the same thing.

Location:Nanyang Crescent,,Singapore

我们都习惯自造伤害。。。
仿佛痛的彻底一点，
能够自我麻醉。
我们都习惯逃避，
是因为缺乏信心，
还是真的无能为力？

我知道我可以，
但我还是宁可选择逃避。。
以为放开双手，就能潇洒走一回。
但也因为这样的潇洒，
让大家都败伤回来。
这次呢？
会跟以前一样吗。。？
还是这次的放手，
想可以获得什么？

其实一直都一样不是吗？
一切都建筑在“以为”这两个字上。。
我想，这次就不要那么肤浅的以为。。。
朋友们！我一直都不听话。
这次， 多念我一些！
让我勇敢一点吧！

hedging dosen't seem very effective.
i think my conversations make a good piece of data to illustrate hedges.
i think its a libra thing, really.

and its really ironic how someone whos unable to communicate effectively asked me to brush up on my English. Not bearing any grudge on this tiny issue, but i have a good memory for this kinda thing :)

FYI, I have a tongue thats out to kill. I only use it on myself and the brother-of-a-bitch. But trust me, you wouldn't wanna be the first to experience it. (A) -> the angelic emoticon Lester always used. hahah.

ok, waking up early is a good start.
i shall not procrastinate further with anymore talk.

weiling said "He's supplying all the strength, wisdom, favor and grace upon grace upon grace in all that we do. So lets behold that!!" exact words from her. hahah.

JIAYOU!!!!!

Flibberty gibbert!! Swearing on the first post using blogpress. 2.99usd arghhh i feel cheated!!!! I was using the free one! And I thought it would continue being free... Ahhh 1 meal lesser. I have maggie mee..

Aight, to Lalaland now -
Good night! And I have yet to collect my sermons:( I think don't need collect already :( boohoo...

Location:Nanyang Crescent,Singapore,Singapore

absolutely detest PMS.
Emo ttm D:

Every little thing just gets blown up in the negative way.
and i'm just lingering, pacing back and forth.
Jumping in and out of reality.
I need something...
fatal enough to kill
this longing heart of mine.

8 years... sounds llike a really long time.
i don't know why i still value what you gave.
maybe its just me, i'm just not good at forgetting, even though i'm a forgetful person.
pleasant or unpleasant, i have them all in my flashbacks.


jiayou, let me make this worth while.
i shall go back to my work. jiayou jiayou jiayou

i believe in the love that grow, not fade.
i believe it grows even faster, when distance separates us.
i believe it wouldn't seek a new home , at least not that soon.
but all i've seen and heard, are simply feelings of interest, that changed from yesterday, and will change today and tomorrow. Its existence, i'm sure of it. I've seen it i think? just rare, and not one me. Whoever says he likes you today, and say the same tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, think twice about him. If he doesnt say it at all, but one day tell you that he loves you, and he says it again the next year, and the year after... take his heart, and give him yours too. Guys usually say "i really like you, and i really wanna be with you." oh really? I really dont think so.... if that guy really likes you, he would already be with you. anytime, anywhere, he will be the one beside you, or dropping you a message. That, i will say, maybe you really do like me. if ever a guy is by your side always, give it a shot :) Because he dosent simply says he want to and don't do it, so he will say he loves you and he does.

okay, that was very cheesy thought, but its inspired by someone :) i think you know it :)

i can feel my heart pumping real fast.
i wonder how fast it can go, and will it stop when it gets too tired pumping.
ok, that was just one of the many random thoughts i usually have.

theres only one lesson today. but theres plenty to do. it seems like my course is real slack. but the time that we don't have lessons are barely enough to cover our readings. its basically like a self studying course. We have few classes. but really long ones. So I can say oh i have 2/3 classes today. but one class takes up to at least 2 and a half hours? so it isn't that slack to say. okay, i feel like some naggy ol' grandmama. and i shall put all blame for my incoherence on the lack of sleep. hurrhurr.

i have the urge to tutor a primary school kid. WE concert was quite amazing. triggered much memories, from the near past, and times that were long long ago. Really miss the times in choir. Miss the moments in our childhood where we are lost and yearning for recognition. The children were so adorable please. it may not sound awesome technically, but theres this magic in their voices that warms you from inside, it warms your eyes and make them a little moist, and you cant help but smile at them, smile for them, and because of them. I had the urge to send my kid to join in. (not like i have one, this is a f-a-n-t-a-s-y) its amazing how their voices ignited the passion within me. Kids and music do wonders. I loved the second part especially.. the contemp part. The first part was good too. it made me miss choir, i guess its all in us. Junxian said the same thing when i met him on my way back. WE was awesome, i guess theres a certain standard to adult choirs. Bohemian Rhapsody was awesome. and the whole thing was staged like a musical and the vibrance totally captivated us. and Faith , you found your style! you were so damn cute please, the mo. you came out, we couldnt stop saying "so cute!". Had an awesome time with the girls as well :D looking forward to post xmas partayy...

30 more mins to end of class...

i shall give my foggy brain and my fingers a break :D

so frustrated with my foggy brain that i finally decide to google it..

Some people with long-lasting brain fog believe that they are stupid and simply unable to think clearly. However, this is not the case. Those with knowledge and experience with the condition assert that it is not a result of low intelligence, but a real disorder with causes, symptoms, and treatments.

seems like i'm not the only one feeling this way.. but still, i don't know how i can get help. but my diet will be a good start to work on. and sleeping habits. tomorrow's a really long day. i should hit my bed now. so, goodnight!

I should change my studying method from tomorrow onwards. Not reading, but STUDYING. i'm abandoning the readings. Sorry but i think i really dont understand all your jargon. so lets not waste each other's time :)

is the reading room too quiet for me?

wouldn't it be nice....?

*currently working on my script. More ideas popping out here and there. Should haves and should not haves. and Facebook comments and statuses and pictures distracting me. Sometimes I feel like it isn't enough. Call me greedy, but I'm waiting for something more special. An exclusive one, a special and unique one. I don't know when that will come, perhaps around me, with the help of some revelation and divine intervention. Then perhaps, in that moment, we will both know. That it exists.

I'm really amazed at "Just the way you are". I'll melt if a guy sings that for me, cause the lyrics is simply beautiful and honest.

Thanks a lot junwen! :) you are one of the most positive people around me. So Ou Xiang! anytime you feel down, think about what you told me too. Roomie too, thanks for the encouragement. I wouldn't dwell, but i really think that I'm not smart enough for my course. :( I can only try to unfog my brain and start understanding.

alright, i have a presentation tomorrow. I'm quite pleased with what I came up with, so if things go well, our group will make it a hit :D With awesome brains from the group :) lets get our As!

i still cant believe it let it happen.

its eating me from inside out.

i can only say this now ' oh my god....'

ahhhhhhhhhhhh....

Rainy night

the rain makes me wanna blog.

perhaps its the temperature,

perhaps its the chatter between the raindrops and the pavement.

perhaps its the invigorating smell of nature.

i guess if we could all shed of all prejudgement on people, take away all the tinted glasses we're wearing. we could see others in better light. we don't need xray vision, we just need an open heart and a open mind.

power of speaking. seems like i havent fully understood until this morning.

now i know, and i will only speak of positivity :D

JIAYOU EILEEN CHIA. YOU ARE SMARTYPANTS HARDCORE MUGGER . GPA 4 IS YOURS FOR GRABS. YOU ARE ONE AWESOME SHIT. JIAYOU! TEEHEEHEE

right, back to my readings. and i will read with understanding.

jiayou my fellow awesome shits :D

I think this is it. I'm putting an end to this, cause you don't deserve it.

And I wanna be smarter please. I have luck, but no brains, what's the point? I have thoughts but no flair, what's the point. So God, could I? Thank you. I'm gonna be frustrated with my own stupidity very soon. My patience is really really good, but not good enough towards myself. So I ask for wisdom to come to me soon.

With that, I will go back to my room, get a good sleep. And feel smarter tmr? And should i go home?



From my fingertips

I suppose my room is too conducive.... that i cant study.

slept for 9 hours and i'm still yawning away.

i want friends, not merely companions. I may sound greedy. but my emotions need companion too.

Companions can laugh together, but friends can cry together.

dosent seem like the right time to emo.

but i suppose my happy bugs were used up all at one go that day.

my playlist is contributing to the whole mood. = /

another round of fundraising later, i hope people can show some care for the autistic children. 1 Nov was global communication shutdown day. A day to experience by autism by not twitting or Facebook. I don't see how it can help, and the awareness of this day is obviously non existent.

i didn't like to talk and people had problems understanding me. I had counselling sessions, but i didnt know what on earth was wrong with me. up till now i still don''t know actually. and my lip picking is still unstoppable. anyways, i think i need to dig my ear... can't hear any shit cause its full of shit now. as i was saying, it is really hard to not be able to communicate. Especially when these children are left out, and they don't know why. They want in, but they don't know how to response and what to say. so that fear probably keep them out anyway. This is from what I see, not factual. i welcome new knowledge if you know more :)

woah, i just googled, i didn't know autism was 自閉症 . maybe i was mildly autistic then @_@ if it meant the same. i was mildly 自閉 from what i know. ok, my thoughts stopped there cause i got distracted.

anyway, i'm really broke. so this is the last time i'm doing this. this is not a libra's job. so, 老人, only we will understand each other on this. hahaha.

God, can i pray for wealth ? knowing i will prosper in your grace, but now i still need some moolah yo. i'm bleeding my pockets. CG people just asked if i have any prayer request but i said no anyway. so silly to ask to pray for moolah. HAHAH. okay, that was a very dumb moment. maybe i can pray for my brain to speed up.

i want more of hillsong, surrender them to me people!!! if anyone of you has their songs, please send me kayys :D no moolah to buy :D

Feel really drained today, i don't know why.

Autistic children... On one hand I want to go into psycholinguistics to help them.

but science is really not my thing. if i go crazy, i'll probably try it next sem.

my eyes are closing, but the reading infront of me wants me to get to know him.

you know, i feel like telling you, 'i am really not interested'

but it feels like matchmaking, im forced to sit through your 'valiant stories'

Like when you're drop dead boring, i still have to take it in, and pretend i know what you're saying but at the end of the day, i know nothing about you. and will not want to see you again.

yeap, this is precisely how i see my reading. A boring forced date.

i still wanna watch life as we know it.. i have nothing on on Friday, get an awesome hairdo and watch an awesome movie? sounds good. but the pricey tickets kinda turn me off. something tells me i'll be better off home watching some other chick flick. speaking of which, i havent had the chance to watch august rush. and eat pray love,and also many other movies.. oh gosh, the list just goes on and on. I'm a sucker for romantic-comedies and tearjerkers. (and also the HOT casts , i want more of richard gere and julia roberts together XD )

ok, i should hit my sheets soon. lets not waste each other's time now. i believe i'll score better with you when i feel less lethargic. for now, nighty nights! :D

The One

They say we only meet one soulmate in our lifetime.

I used to believe in soulmates, until lately when i realise how hard it is to find someone who actually knows what I think/feel...

I have a complicated mind. a slightly warped and twisted one that thinks of the extraordinary. I see things that most people don't, and likewise, i don't see what others do. Or rather, i'm a little slow on that.

i'm a huge labyrinth , a hybrid of a million things... From my personality to my habits. A seemingly mild personality with an unimaginable violent streak that may act up when things go out of hand. The last time was in primary school. and the only violence are the ones i inflict on myself (ok, plus my brother and my bitch HAHAHA) So i suppose, i'm like a harmless rabbit on the surface. :D

My music genre speaks alot about me I suppose-- it ranges from classical to death metal. Thats how drastic it is. (still think i'm a tamed sheep? think twice :D )

I could be extremely cheena, gluing my eyes to a sappy chinese novel, or I could be intrigued by the grotesque imagery conjured by sylvia plath. Many a times I sing cheesy chinese songs, and at times, a different side of me misses the harmony and the resonance of choral voices. i'm a sucker for the artyfarty talk, and I could transform into ah lian mode liKe ThiS. ^_^ shooo CuTeX! (ok, this was the old me hurh hurh). That was just an exaggerated comparison, but you get my point. I am Singlish-Cheena piang, and a tragic poet at the same time.

My identity is a mystery.

Its a little of everything.

I mean EVERYTHING.

even things that i am not expected to be.

things that no one knew i'd be.

but thats just me.

unexpected and unique.

a mystery, even to me.

So then, where do i find that soulmate, whos like me?

ahh, another mystery.

holmes, you probably have to try harder on this one.

I have yet to seen one unique person like me. an assorted mix.

apart from my brother. HAHAH. ironically, since i said unique.

i'm probably one of a kind.

probably the piece of puzzle that went wrong.

the key that can't fit in any lock.

but then, I myself is special.

so i wouldn't mind being me, on my own.

I may never show my two sides freely to one single person.

but then i may show different sides to different people.

would that then be easier?

or i would it be better to hide just a few sides..?

that would be cheating aint it?

but its the same logic as, im not lying, i just didnt say it.

if you want me to show the hidden sides, I may, if you could appreciate.

If not, i'm just what a part of Eileen you know.

Therefore friends, don't be surprised.

I am more than what you see/think.

Soulmate, the One? tough job...

But if i do find you, I'd wanna say this--

"you're really special" :)