its kinda like driving me insane. many things at one time....
I dont want to feel, don't wanna think.
ah, so infuriating.

Yesterday's sermon was good. I couldn't help but text my friend the message that was delivered. I believe most people (including myself of course) should bear it in mind.

'what you speak changes your life'

Speed of sound creates the speed of light. Because God ha to say 'let there be light' before there was light. It kinda hit me, about how important our speech is.

What we speak changes our life. We never realize it, but really it changes us day by day. Like what I learnt from cs100. We perceive something to be true, even if it isn't. When we expect someone to behave this way, somehow or rather, that person will behave that way. When we are prejudiced or have negativity against someone. We will only see the bad. Even if it's something good, we wouldn't see it that way.

The Cgl told us that Someone did an experiment. She had 2 plants, and through their growth, she went to one pot and hurled all the negative words and powerful words like hatred and stuff. And she went to the other pot to sing praises, showing affection. The plant that had ugly words being hurled at withered... It shows how important words of affection are towards living things. Not just living, I think? And it also shows how negativity will result in further negativity.

If we say it, God will give us excess of what we expect.

God I want a gpa 4.5!!!! I'm not greedy k!! :) I don't need 5, 4.5 will do God. THANK YOU! muacks hahah

Yesterday was fruitful. :) bought pastor prince's sermons that I missed. He preached about the power of speaking too. Anyway, yesterday's acoustic session was pretty awesome. Feel like joining the worship group to sing praise! God give mr strength!!!:)

What a week it has been. Communications crash course in a night. I think it did help, given that I knew nothing about it. The weekend to recover. And seeking Him later :) Finally. And my prayer worked for Para. My period's finally here. Spared from the PMS. Though chocs helped me alot on that, but definitely not on my 'slim down resolution'



From my fingertips

[Nagootv] 9.10.10 To Hebe concert at Taipei, Legacy rehearsal Part 2

hooked on it :D

Speak Out What You Believe In Christ! 17 October 2010 Message Excerpt

Are we afraid of being alone? or are we simply afraid of being seen alone. Most people fear the social label that marks who we are; If you're seen with a group of social elites, you're LV. If you're seen partying with a pool of cool asses, you're marc jacob., and if you're hanging out with miserable people , you're just L without the V. If you're nibbling your sandwich in a corner. Thats it, wave goodbye to your social life. It may not be like the States over here, but the whole labling thing, it exists, like it or not. We arent that extreme, but we cant avoid it (we are all secretly doing it). Yes, even the losers judge. (oops!)

I'm fine out on my own. Shopping, strolling, movies, eating (still needs getting used to). Its not the alone-ness when you're doing things that's scary. But the wander/wondering eyes that make me squirm in my seat. Or the guy at the ticket booth that keeps emphasizing on "just one ticket?!" with his bulging eyes and bewildered tone. If doing things alone was a norm, we probably wouldn't face this kind of treatment. Screw "Man are social animals", yes we are, only to a certain extent :)

My taskmanager is gonna overload soon if i don't get back to work. Just found out a few hours ago that i have an assignment due monday. and all the while i've been panicking over the assignment due friday. and all the quizzes and presentations next week. omg. what a FML moment. HE WILL WALK ME THROUGH! :D

Talking about Him. let me just bring up something before i forget.
My dad called me last monday, telling me that he's getting me a diamond cross. I was a little pissed when I first knew of it, cause firstly it is not cheap, and I don't see why i needed such an expensive cross. What if i lost it? I would want a simple cross so I could wear it everywhere. But my dad said its okay and he says its really very pretty and he wants to get that cross for me. I thought my mum would stop him in my place but he text me later at night

" I bought for you a cross as a symbol of christ. it took some time for me to convince your mum to accept it. hope you will like it and take care sweet"

This message totally melt my heart. I still feel the pinch for my dad, but if it makes him happy, then, i should appreciate and be grateful... shouldn't I? Will use my life to protect it, cause its such a meaningful gift. It also shows how my mum is accepting my faith. (not her accepting God, but accepting me for loving my Lord) I admit i'm not very very pious, I sin, alot. I don't go to church regularly. BUT important thing is, i still love him, and he knows i do. Thats the most essential thing for me. We have a relationship that I don't need to publicize nor do I need to emphasize through any activity. its just me and Him. I think thats enough. Any other, I will do it at my own will and at my own pace.

Taking off, for real :D

Life is like a bed of roses. Seemingly beautiful and charming, intoxicating mystique. But it pricks you real hard when you try to hold on to it too lightly. Not telling people to take things too lightly. Just a reminder here that we should learn to let go when it hurts too much . We don't have to drop that rose, just don't grasp it too tightly in your hands. You're the one who's gonna bleed. Reminder to all, and a reminder to self. I take every decision I make too highly. Even when deciding whether to shit or not. I have a pros and cons list in my head every time I take a step. My aim in life is to do things that will bring out the best of a situation . Better use of time, or better use of resources/manpower and benefiting everyone. Perhaps people don't have the patience, and I don't blame them. But bare in mind that when you hurl Such words on me, it stays with me. Albeit already familiar with your manner of speech, it still cuts me every time. And it hurts more cause I was planning for your convenience. If selflessness is a crime, then forgive me for being selfish next time.

I'm in the vicinity of woodlands already. And my shoe bag stinks. Sorry fellow commuters. Especially the one beside me. I sincerely don't want it to stink that much. Heh

I wonder if I'm about the right thing. Because I foresee the same thing happening again. People (including myself) judge a person based on what they do. Irregardless of what the rationale is. But I really do hope that as friends, you guys will understand... I'll try to do what I can, but meanwhile, dont judge me. It's not gonna make things any easier.

Third week missing church. What a bad girl I am. :( this Sunday I will!! Anyone wanna go with me?:)

I think it's a calling.. Tis' the third time I've dreamt of being a wedding planner. And this time round, the wedding was really grand! I love weddings. Thinking about how I might not hold my own saddens me. But it'll be damn awesome to help couples create a memory of a lIfetime. And hopefully that moment will remind them of how blissful they once were during their rough times. Though they often say that the problems start arising during the marriage planning. Oh, and for some odd reason I dreamt of TBS in his suit. Ever charming and ever terrifying. I was supposed to move in to the place where he works. Really really odd dream. But I heard the chorale version of 'beautiful thing'. I think it's all cause of you faith!

Just when we were talking about our future yesterday. I think being a wedding planner is really an awesome job. Next step: research!!!!!


From my fingertips

Really should learn how to not trust everyone so easily. Weak defense...

Eileen chia, jiayou!
And for once, I will sleep early. 早睡早起身体好... I shall experience it for a day. And people, just distract me... Keep things out of my head. I don't know who's reading this... But whoever it is... Keep me occupied.

jogging with people is easier than jogging alone. but I wouldn't want to bore anyone with my speed, so... next time I shall ask my earphones and my phone for company. It was good nonetheless, cleared up alot of things actually, and somethings i've kept inside for too long. its good i actually found a trustworthy friend to confide in :) Really hard to find someone on the same frequency now. so those tuning in to Eileen Chia Emo All Day, thanks and sorry if you don't get me. its really too bad. For those call-ins, i'm appreciative and grateful.

actually i have a few more additional questions swarming in my head now. And I needa make a decision quick. Give me a sign!!!

I think we should have emo corners in hall. A place of solitude, to just sit, see stars and wait for the dark clouds to pass by. I wanted to talk to someone badly. Don't know who to call, and i didnt feel like talking. I'm such a woman. (no negative connotations here) argh. ok, i hope jogging helps.

:(

I'm no longer feeling blur at school, or going to class and only realize at the start that there's tutorial to be done. Very good start. And I think it's really productive to stay in the reading room without leaving for class. There still occasional procrastination here and there but definitely much lesser.:)

16 oct. I really can't wait!!! It is seriously the most awesome birthday gift I could get. Ok maybe apart from true love. And Miracles do happen!:) I think I will melt and evaporate.. So if I'm MIA after the 16th it's either I evaporated or I eloped with junsu . Hahaha. Wow been a long time since I mentioned his name. :D

It's getting easier and harder inside. I realize I'm always avoiding. My heart was black... Now it's grey... But I rather it turns back to black. Saves me the trouble. Well, I'm doing good. Jiayou! This is what I'm good at. Self psychoing:)

Inspired to write like the top notch writers. Unfortunately, theres a limit to my non-existent flair.

Though Dreams being dreams, theres more to it then just sitting around and filling up empty thought-bubbles everyday. We need to work towards them, and if we fail. We know we tried to at least get close to it. I tried to get closer to one of my dreams, that is to have my own concert in some stadium with amazing acoustics. We need more than just the daily shower-head moments. With everything else crowding into my schedule, theres definitely no time for classes or the ambitious goal of picking up the guitar. (Yes I can pick the guitar up, but sadly, I can't pick up the skill) Nonetheless, it will remain part of me and reminding me that I have a passion within me.

Theres many things I want to do in life. To sing, to write, to open a bistro/book cafe, but before that, i probably have to slog half my life out before I get enough capital and income to sustain my life, my cute little puppies and my parents. (Ok, puppies can come later ^_^) Seems nicely planned out, and I have a clear vision of my future that clearly do not involve sitting in a lab or dealing with any mechanics. The furthest deviation I see myself going would probably be sitting in a bank pushing buttons on a calculator and doing spreadsheets. Since I've mostly likely decided on placing focus on building my bank account, working in a bank seems like a good idea for someone with no commitments :) KACHING!

I know its a vicious cycle, and I can see where it is going again. But will i have the balls to break it? Not when my intuition tells me things arent going my way...

Me, Myself and Mine
Sumiko Tan
14 July 2007, The Straits Times


I lost a friend last year. No, no, he's well, as well can be. What I mean is that I lost a friendship last year.

It was sad because it was one of the longest surviving friendships I'd left.

We met when I was 19, and in over two decades, stayed in touch although we lead very different lives. His is glamorous whereas mine, well, you know what my life's like.

It wasn't a friendship in which we shared deep and dark secrets. We met infrequently and there were even periods when we didn't communicate for years.

But when we did finally get in touch, as we always seemed to do, we could pick up from where we'd left off. Maybe it was because we kept things light.

Anyway, we had a disagreement one day and it was, of all things, related to work. The matter escalated - bewilderingly - to some nasty name-calling hurled over a flurry of self-righteous SMSes on both sides.

He was angry, I was fed-up, and so that was that, the end of a 23-year friendship.

It did sadden me, and over the Christmas and New Year period when I was feeling more emotionally vulnerable than usual, I was tempted to offer the olive branch.

But I couldn't, and didn't.

I felt I didn't deserve the harsh words flung at me and didn't see why I had to make the first move.

I also realised that maybe the friendship wasn't much of one if it couldn't withstand a quarrel like that.

Most of all though, I didn't send a conciliatory SMS because what would it have achieved? What purpose would it have served?

Because the older I get, the more I've come to realise that, one, it's not worth getting upset when people disappoint you because, more often than not, they don't give a hoot that they are letting you down; and, two, it's pointless to depend on others to make you happy.

Far safer and saner for one to be self-sufficient first, and to be the source of one's own happiness.

Of course, you should show empathy and concern towards those around you, and if you can make others feel good, don't stop. Just don't expect or demand for that to be reciprocated.

Maybe I've been disappointed by too many people too often and am seeking comfort in cynicism.

Whatever the case, when I look back at my 20s and 30s, it does seem to be one endless period of seeking approval, striving to be nice and desiring to be loved and liked by the people I loved and liked.

Sometimes, the efforts were reciprocated and I'd be flying high.

But when they weren't, I'd beat myself up over it. What was it about me that they didn't like? Was I not nice or kind or understanding enough? Or was I too nice, kind and understanding, therefore suffocating them?

(I do realise, of course, that this is from my perspective; I could well be self-deluded about my positive qualities.)

For too long, my happiness and sense of worth were tied to things beyond my control - how I was regarded, whether I was being thought about, whether the phone would ring, whether I was considered worthy enough company for the weekend.

I needed approval, my expectations of others were high, but I was only setting myself up for disappointment.

Just because you want someone's life to revolve around yours doesn't necessarily mean that he wants that, too.

And even if he does, well, people are busy with their own lives, too. You can't make another person fit your specifications and your demands just so you - and only you - can be happy.

And rather than behave in this unreasonable way, isn't it smarter to be more independent? To not have to depend on others for validation?

The problem is - how does one go about making oneself happy, especially if, like me, you don't particularly like your own company that much?

Oh, there are things I've learnt to do alone. I'm fine with shopping, watching a move and even attending a pop concert alone. But to spend a whole weekend by myself, to travel alone, to face me and my thoughts 24/7 - that's awful.

To escape such a spectre, I've been willing to contort myself to be pleasing to those whose company I hankered for. I've been willing to eat humble pie and yes, send conciliatory SMSes when I shouldn't.

It's not surprising, really, for in his latest book Social Intelligence, Daniel Goleman talks about how the human brain is "wired to connect".

Neuroscience has found that the brain is designed to be sociable. When people are together, their brains "engage in an emotional tango, a dance of feelings."

And he points out, research has found that good-quality relationships are one of the strongest sources of a person's well-being. "Resonant relationships are like emotional vitamins, sustaining us through tough times and nourishing us daily."

That's well and good, but what if you encounter more toxic relationships than positive ones?

What if, as Goleman himself describes it, your encounters with others leave you with more of an afterglower than an afterglow? How do you inoculate yourself against disappointment?

For me, the answer must be to be more self-sufficient, and the key to that, I reckon, must be to respect yourself more - to find ways to be at peace with yourself and content with what you are and have.

It is also to do with finding what I call a happy place within yourself where you can retreat to, your own safe haven, if you like.

Soon after my quarrel with my friend, I went on holiday to a spa with Hua Hin in Thailand. (With my mother; I wasn't brave enough to face a holiday with myself.)

One evening after a massage and before getting ready for dinner, I sat by the balcony and looked out at the sea. It was that dusky twilight period before night fell, a time of day I often dread.

Maybe my endorphins had been stimulated by the massage, but at that moment, I felt a sense of utter well-being, of being completely self-contained.

My mind - usually in overdrive mode wondering, predicting and hoping that I was on some loved one's thoughts - was a nice, clean blank.

I knew then that I did have the ability to be by myself and yet happy, that my own company wasn't half bad.

I had found my happy place which didn't require anybody.

It felt good.

http://www.generationterrorists.com/articles/me_myself_and_mine.shtml

Good piece of writing... long way to go twin.. long way.....