時間真的過得太快了
我指的不是快得沒時間讀書
（一部分也是）
而是一年又一年，
但一切回憶，仿佛只是昨天。
但又覺得好像很遙遠。。。

友情很珍貴，因為他們是回憶，是現在，也是未來。。。
當你回頭，一直陪著你走過一切的每一位，他們都一直存在。。。回憶里的每一位，依然會停留在回憶，無論好與壞。而未來的一切還都是未知數。回憶很美，而未來，將會越來越美

我期待，這美麗的未來。

現在，加油吧！



On da moove

FINALLY, i'm free from assignments...

a load of my shoulders, but i hope other stuff wouldn't come knocking at my door... JIAYOU AH JIAYOUUU. EXAMS ARE COMING.. NO TIME LIAOOZZZZZ..

SO SWEEELEEPPPYYY..

I really feel like puking after doing morpho. makes me nauseous...

i cant believe i still have to start on phono in a while. really disgusting.

christmas is near. i wanna watch rapunzel. i wanna do so many things.

i need some balls. i figure that fearing is my biggest bane.

so God, give me some guts will you?

Thank you.

Dint go for arrow service today:( guilty.....


On da moove

I don't know why, Xmas eve still reminds me of you. It's still my favorite movie but I hope it's not cause of you. I'm trying to sleep. Why pop into my head. Shoooooo


On da moove

I'll trust God
I'll try my best
Time is running short. I work better under stress and I'll prove it with a miracle.


On da moove

I guess when the dates are drawing nearer, and you have no idea what crossreferencing means, it means you are in deep shit, and it means you should not be thinking about any other things.

I feel better, handling things better. And Thank you Faith, but somewhat after telling you some stuff, i feel like i'm not so sure afterall. and its a good thing, cause i wouldn't wanna be sure of that.

When you wish upon a star

I need my coherence. Being coherent shows that my thoughts aren't brief and frantic.

I need this composure. I wish I didn't let my guard down. I wish I hadn't been so soft. I wish I didn't wish for me to fall in love. I wish, I wish, I wish. No wonder they say, be careful what you wish for. For now, I just wish for composure and calmness, to do well for my assignments, and to do well for the exams. Thats all now, a safe wish isn't it? Then I'll bear the rest of the weight when the exams are done. Perhaps it would have been too late, but I wouldn't have done anything else. I know how it feels, so I wouldn't want anyone else to go through this. Especially a friend. It seems i'm always the one backing out, retreating and letting go. Just that this time, its hurting much more. I guess i've let my guard go down too low. It hits you most when you expect it the least. Well, theres nothing else to do now. Cry my heart out at my breaking points, wake up the next morning, and pretend to feel okay. God, is there anything else I can do? If this is your test for me, and you want me to learn to pursue, I'm sorry. No matter how much its gonna hurt, i'm letting go, so won't you ease the pain for me?

我决定不一切堆一边，

因为不值得。。。

没时间了。

知道

她让你憔悴许多

她让你不知所措
她一句一动你不停的对我说
我微笑倾听你说
我却越听越心痛
怎么你说的不是我
他比我多了什么
让你愿意耐心等候
你让我憔悴很多
你让我不知所措
你一句一动我的心被牵着走
她不经意的走过
你就把我给冷落
嫉妒把我给吞没
她比我多了什么
让你愿意耐心等候



我想知道她让你痴心是什么
我想知道她让你疯狂为什么

我知道做的和她没有不同
但是我却不在你心中逗留

我想知道她哪里比我好很多
在你心中她和我有什么不同
我知道我比她付出的还多
可是我总换不了你的心动

ho~哦...
我知道了她哪里比我好很多
在你心中我永远不可能让你心动
我知道我比她付出的还多
可是我在你心中没有她多

痴心绝对  

 想用一杯latte把你灌醉

 好让你能多爱我一点

 暗恋的滋味你不懂这种感觉

 早有人陪的你永远不会

 看见你和他在我面前 

证明我的爱只是愚昧 

你不懂我的那些憔悴 

是你永远不曾过的体会 

为你付出那种伤心你永远不了解 

我又何苦勉强自己爱上你的一切 

你又狠狠逼退我的防备 

静静关上门来默数我的泪 

明知道让你离开他的世界不可能会 

我还傻傻等到奇迹出现的那一天

 直到那一天你会发现

 真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲  

看见你和他在我面前 

证明我的爱只是愚昧 

你不懂我的那些憔悴 

是你永远不曾过的体会

 明知道让你离开他的世界不可能会

 我还傻傻等到奇迹出现的那一天

 直到那一天你会发现 

真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲

 曾经我以为我自己会后悔 

不想爱得太多痴心绝对 为你落第一滴泪

 为你作任何改变 也唤不回你对我的坚决 

为你付出那种伤心你永远不了解 

我又何苦勉强自己爱上你的一切 

你又狠狠逼退我的防备

 静静关上门来默数我的泪 

明知道让你离开他的世界不可能会 

我还傻傻等到奇迹出现的那一天 

直到那一天你会发现 

真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲 

直到那一天你会发现

 真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲

You can come now and take it all away.



On da moove

Christmas is almost here.

The memories are still left at my doorstep.

Don't ask me why..

Hillsong - Believe (Beautiful exchange)

my favourite worship this month!!!

i'm on a rollercoaster....

and

one moment i see the light,

one moment i don't....

Keep bleedin I keep keep bleeding love..


On da moove

Things will fall into place.

What will be will be..

Quechua is as irritating as my cramps right now.

disgusting...

Feel so much better after talking to Para. One awesome hei-ren. hahah

so it was all a misunderstanding, all my hallucinations, but then again, it still gotta stop. and it will.

With God's grace, i will stand strong and l believe, it will be all be good.

looking at my old memories just to remind myself how unworthy guys are. freeze my iceberg once again, its defrosting, but i believe i can stop in time.

I think God gave me the power and strength to share, even when I am left with nothing.

what a breather. I dont know how, but i felt it being lifted off me. For now, i will work hard

this is really the hardest thing I've gone through in my entire love life. Guess i never really really liked someone until now. it feels like hell ( though i've never been through it ).

this is the worst feeling I've ever felt. God?

忍一忍吧，忍一忍就应该过去。。。

可以吗？

Build the walls higher.

the tides are still crashing.

foreboding danger...

the spirits linger

cold and stale the air.

the abandoned tower

constructed from debris

forlorn and barren.

the waves crashing in,

bring the bricks,

bring the concrete,

build, hurry, build.

我現在一被碰就會碎了。


On da moove

心情還是很down..


On da moove

sew me up whatever pieces you can find.

see whats left behind,

and sing me the final lullaby.

rock me to sleep,

as deep as it can be.

let me not wake,

to face the reality.

curiosity kills the cat. (oh my god, thanks to phonetics my spelling is awful now. i spelled Cat as Kaet @_@)

the cat has nine lives, curiosity kills me as well, but i only have 1 life. How?

i need more sophisticated posts, i think my blog really lack content now. sorry blog, i'm ruining you. big time. I promise I will get myself back, soon? maybe.

not bad, i've hit the 1k word count, and still counting.

sometimes i feel like what i type don't make sense half the time.

so i go back and forth on my word count. My backspace key will get jammed up sooner or later.

I need to bear in mind that I'm not God. I cant control my fate, i control anyone else's either. So suck it up, and live what God has plannned out for me? I believe, in the greater things to come. So what is the pain now. Heard Pastor Prince's sermons dated in 2003. Give all your cares to God! give all your worries to him. Trying hard. it aint easy, so don't blame me for wavering.

aight, back to work :) [ a smiley? in a long long time, i shall put one, there, i already did]

i want a hug.

i think i'm falling sick.

i guess when the heart is,

the body can feel it.

你太猖狂

詞/曲：林夕/陳小霞

編曲：王治平
製作人：王治平

能約出來的人都約光
能吃得下的早已吃光
很用力談笑 比哭還絕望
怎麼挨得到打烊

我以為痛苦可以分散
於是我忙到不能再忙
忙到忘記了洗掉你所有短訊
一字一巴打在我臉上

思念太猖狂 一個冷不防
一想起你 忙碌的生活變得空蕩蕩
對心事說謊 把你想到多麼的不堪
偉大的你還想我怎樣

我以為工作能夠療傷
甚至恨不得病倒再算
沒力氣遐想 誰知癱瘓在床上
越發渴望你就在身旁

思念太猖狂 一個冷不防
一想起你 忙碌的生活變得空蕩蕩
對心事說謊 把你想到多麼的不堪
偉大的你還想我怎樣

你也太猖狂 一個冷不防
睡到一半 才覺醒療傷先要哭一場
對世界說謊 只把自己哄騙得更慘
想得到釋放只有投降
想得到釋放只有投降

Why is bus c stuck at hall 12 for so long ?!?!


On da moove

am i handling this the right way?

i don't know what else to do...

累的不想說話，不想聽話。
只想癱瘓在床上


On da moove

真的好累啊。。。
我的心真的受傷了


On da moove

我笑得好累。。

Too many things going on at the same time, so i've chose to ignore all of them and only focus only on my assignments right now. Cutting networking sites but retaining the blog because I do need this avenue to dump my thoughts. and i need some place personal/private.. not many are reading these now, cause i removed it from my msn nick. so for those who are still reading this, it should show a certain level of friendship u have with me. yes, from my tweets, im sure most of you will know i'm going through something right now. I'm feeling better, and thanks to my awesome acting skills, i'm assure you guys wun see the mopy me yesterday night. i already hid myself pretty well and emo-ed subtly, i don't know how alvin still managed to see it. ( i think you did after you asked me that qn yest? ) but anyway, i hope this episode will allow me to work harder since it will be the only safe distraction, and i hope that by working, i will not have much more energy left to think about any other matters. I already feel drained, so a little bit more, and i'd have dried up my emotions.

what a post. i feel the dark clouds and thunder hovering above the blog already.

and i somehow secretly don't mind being smashed later, some external smashing probably will take the internal one away.

jiayou all. jiayou myself.

I love my lock-screen.
Serene and hopeful .
I'm sure I need to learn that.

Looks like I really want to give up now. This is too much. Someone tell me you'll take my pain away, then it'll be easier for me this way. Someone, anyone, rescue my heart.


On da moove

focus my dear girl.

everything's fine.

i'll just push the blame to my hormonal imbalance to keep things simple.

why am i procrastinating so much??!! i think i'm gonna screw up the exams, by the time i'm done with the assignments, its time for exams. ahhhhhhh, stop procrastinating and feeling sleepy!!!!!!

looks like its either make or break for this assignment.
wheres the smarty pants who sent KK that email yesterday night.
Greater Expectations, and I need more brain juices to fill that big pair of shoes. eew.
and all's great, when the essay that he's so looking forward to read is at a word count of 0.
amazing, i'm gonna start now.

Been a long while since I cried this hard. I don't know why it hit me so strongly this time. I mean, it's over and all's well now. But the thought of my mum having gone through all that. I dont know, it broke my heart when I saw that MTV. Deep down inside there's this fear. I never thought of what will happen, because i don't wanna think. I think I wasn't understanding enough. I felt like a bad daughter. I felt like what I did wasn't enough. Maybe i couldn't have done anything. But maybe I should remind myself to be more giving and more loving towards her. I felt like hugging her just now. Because I know that should I be in her position I will want someone to give me warm hug and tell me I'm still loved despite everything. Our existence are built on people's love towards us ain't it? So when we start to question our existence, isn't it one of those times where we don't feel loved or worthy enough for this world?

Having typed this post. I dont want you people to guess and judge. If you really are curious, you can ask me straight. But don't set your own judgement on what I post. Afterall this is a blog, a home for my thoughts and q place for friends whom I may not be able to meet up/ catch up that often. And also friends around me who has open up their hearts to me. I take all my words seriously, albeit being fickle at times. So don't twist it and come up with your own perceptions. I don't want to breed misunderstandings. Don't stir my harmony.


On da moove

Location:Nanyang Crescent,Singapore,Singapore

What a torture this is.
Going through the same thing over and over.
I'm tired. I believe my friends are tired too, listening to the same thing.

Location:Nanyang Crescent,,Singapore

我们都习惯自造伤害。。。
仿佛痛的彻底一点，
能够自我麻醉。
我们都习惯逃避，
是因为缺乏信心，
还是真的无能为力？

我知道我可以，
但我还是宁可选择逃避。。
以为放开双手，就能潇洒走一回。
但也因为这样的潇洒，
让大家都败伤回来。
这次呢？
会跟以前一样吗。。？
还是这次的放手，
想可以获得什么？

其实一直都一样不是吗？
一切都建筑在“以为”这两个字上。。
我想，这次就不要那么肤浅的以为。。。
朋友们！我一直都不听话。
这次， 多念我一些！
让我勇敢一点吧！

hedging dosen't seem very effective.
i think my conversations make a good piece of data to illustrate hedges.
i think its a libra thing, really.

and its really ironic how someone whos unable to communicate effectively asked me to brush up on my English. Not bearing any grudge on this tiny issue, but i have a good memory for this kinda thing :)

FYI, I have a tongue thats out to kill. I only use it on myself and the brother-of-a-bitch. But trust me, you wouldn't wanna be the first to experience it. (A) -> the angelic emoticon Lester always used. hahah.

ok, waking up early is a good start.
i shall not procrastinate further with anymore talk.

weiling said "He's supplying all the strength, wisdom, favor and grace upon grace upon grace in all that we do. So lets behold that!!" exact words from her. hahah.

JIAYOU!!!!!

Flibberty gibbert!! Swearing on the first post using blogpress. 2.99usd arghhh i feel cheated!!!! I was using the free one! And I thought it would continue being free... Ahhh 1 meal lesser. I have maggie mee..

Aight, to Lalaland now -
Good night! And I have yet to collect my sermons:( I think don't need collect already :( boohoo...

Location:Nanyang Crescent,Singapore,Singapore

absolutely detest PMS.
Emo ttm D:

Every little thing just gets blown up in the negative way.
and i'm just lingering, pacing back and forth.
Jumping in and out of reality.
I need something...
fatal enough to kill
this longing heart of mine.

8 years... sounds llike a really long time.
i don't know why i still value what you gave.
maybe its just me, i'm just not good at forgetting, even though i'm a forgetful person.
pleasant or unpleasant, i have them all in my flashbacks.


jiayou, let me make this worth while.
i shall go back to my work. jiayou jiayou jiayou

i believe in the love that grow, not fade.
i believe it grows even faster, when distance separates us.
i believe it wouldn't seek a new home , at least not that soon.
but all i've seen and heard, are simply feelings of interest, that changed from yesterday, and will change today and tomorrow. Its existence, i'm sure of it. I've seen it i think? just rare, and not one me. Whoever says he likes you today, and say the same tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, think twice about him. If he doesnt say it at all, but one day tell you that he loves you, and he says it again the next year, and the year after... take his heart, and give him yours too. Guys usually say "i really like you, and i really wanna be with you." oh really? I really dont think so.... if that guy really likes you, he would already be with you. anytime, anywhere, he will be the one beside you, or dropping you a message. That, i will say, maybe you really do like me. if ever a guy is by your side always, give it a shot :) Because he dosent simply says he want to and don't do it, so he will say he loves you and he does.

okay, that was very cheesy thought, but its inspired by someone :) i think you know it :)

i can feel my heart pumping real fast.
i wonder how fast it can go, and will it stop when it gets too tired pumping.
ok, that was just one of the many random thoughts i usually have.

theres only one lesson today. but theres plenty to do. it seems like my course is real slack. but the time that we don't have lessons are barely enough to cover our readings. its basically like a self studying course. We have few classes. but really long ones. So I can say oh i have 2/3 classes today. but one class takes up to at least 2 and a half hours? so it isn't that slack to say. okay, i feel like some naggy ol' grandmama. and i shall put all blame for my incoherence on the lack of sleep. hurrhurr.

i have the urge to tutor a primary school kid. WE concert was quite amazing. triggered much memories, from the near past, and times that were long long ago. Really miss the times in choir. Miss the moments in our childhood where we are lost and yearning for recognition. The children were so adorable please. it may not sound awesome technically, but theres this magic in their voices that warms you from inside, it warms your eyes and make them a little moist, and you cant help but smile at them, smile for them, and because of them. I had the urge to send my kid to join in. (not like i have one, this is a f-a-n-t-a-s-y) its amazing how their voices ignited the passion within me. Kids and music do wonders. I loved the second part especially.. the contemp part. The first part was good too. it made me miss choir, i guess its all in us. Junxian said the same thing when i met him on my way back. WE was awesome, i guess theres a certain standard to adult choirs. Bohemian Rhapsody was awesome. and the whole thing was staged like a musical and the vibrance totally captivated us. and Faith , you found your style! you were so damn cute please, the mo. you came out, we couldnt stop saying "so cute!". Had an awesome time with the girls as well :D looking forward to post xmas partayy...

30 more mins to end of class...

i shall give my foggy brain and my fingers a break :D

so frustrated with my foggy brain that i finally decide to google it..

Some people with long-lasting brain fog believe that they are stupid and simply unable to think clearly. However, this is not the case. Those with knowledge and experience with the condition assert that it is not a result of low intelligence, but a real disorder with causes, symptoms, and treatments.

seems like i'm not the only one feeling this way.. but still, i don't know how i can get help. but my diet will be a good start to work on. and sleeping habits. tomorrow's a really long day. i should hit my bed now. so, goodnight!

I should change my studying method from tomorrow onwards. Not reading, but STUDYING. i'm abandoning the readings. Sorry but i think i really dont understand all your jargon. so lets not waste each other's time :)

is the reading room too quiet for me?

wouldn't it be nice....?

*currently working on my script. More ideas popping out here and there. Should haves and should not haves. and Facebook comments and statuses and pictures distracting me. Sometimes I feel like it isn't enough. Call me greedy, but I'm waiting for something more special. An exclusive one, a special and unique one. I don't know when that will come, perhaps around me, with the help of some revelation and divine intervention. Then perhaps, in that moment, we will both know. That it exists.

I'm really amazed at "Just the way you are". I'll melt if a guy sings that for me, cause the lyrics is simply beautiful and honest.

Thanks a lot junwen! :) you are one of the most positive people around me. So Ou Xiang! anytime you feel down, think about what you told me too. Roomie too, thanks for the encouragement. I wouldn't dwell, but i really think that I'm not smart enough for my course. :( I can only try to unfog my brain and start understanding.

alright, i have a presentation tomorrow. I'm quite pleased with what I came up with, so if things go well, our group will make it a hit :D With awesome brains from the group :) lets get our As!

i still cant believe it let it happen.

its eating me from inside out.

i can only say this now ' oh my god....'

ahhhhhhhhhhhh....

Rainy night

the rain makes me wanna blog.

perhaps its the temperature,

perhaps its the chatter between the raindrops and the pavement.

perhaps its the invigorating smell of nature.

i guess if we could all shed of all prejudgement on people, take away all the tinted glasses we're wearing. we could see others in better light. we don't need xray vision, we just need an open heart and a open mind.

power of speaking. seems like i havent fully understood until this morning.

now i know, and i will only speak of positivity :D

JIAYOU EILEEN CHIA. YOU ARE SMARTYPANTS HARDCORE MUGGER . GPA 4 IS YOURS FOR GRABS. YOU ARE ONE AWESOME SHIT. JIAYOU! TEEHEEHEE

right, back to my readings. and i will read with understanding.

jiayou my fellow awesome shits :D

I think this is it. I'm putting an end to this, cause you don't deserve it.

And I wanna be smarter please. I have luck, but no brains, what's the point? I have thoughts but no flair, what's the point. So God, could I? Thank you. I'm gonna be frustrated with my own stupidity very soon. My patience is really really good, but not good enough towards myself. So I ask for wisdom to come to me soon.

With that, I will go back to my room, get a good sleep. And feel smarter tmr? And should i go home?



From my fingertips

I suppose my room is too conducive.... that i cant study.

slept for 9 hours and i'm still yawning away.

i want friends, not merely companions. I may sound greedy. but my emotions need companion too.

Companions can laugh together, but friends can cry together.

dosent seem like the right time to emo.

but i suppose my happy bugs were used up all at one go that day.

my playlist is contributing to the whole mood. = /

another round of fundraising later, i hope people can show some care for the autistic children. 1 Nov was global communication shutdown day. A day to experience by autism by not twitting or Facebook. I don't see how it can help, and the awareness of this day is obviously non existent.

i didn't like to talk and people had problems understanding me. I had counselling sessions, but i didnt know what on earth was wrong with me. up till now i still don''t know actually. and my lip picking is still unstoppable. anyways, i think i need to dig my ear... can't hear any shit cause its full of shit now. as i was saying, it is really hard to not be able to communicate. Especially when these children are left out, and they don't know why. They want in, but they don't know how to response and what to say. so that fear probably keep them out anyway. This is from what I see, not factual. i welcome new knowledge if you know more :)

woah, i just googled, i didn't know autism was 自閉症 . maybe i was mildly autistic then @_@ if it meant the same. i was mildly 自閉 from what i know. ok, my thoughts stopped there cause i got distracted.

anyway, i'm really broke. so this is the last time i'm doing this. this is not a libra's job. so, 老人, only we will understand each other on this. hahaha.

God, can i pray for wealth ? knowing i will prosper in your grace, but now i still need some moolah yo. i'm bleeding my pockets. CG people just asked if i have any prayer request but i said no anyway. so silly to ask to pray for moolah. HAHAH. okay, that was a very dumb moment. maybe i can pray for my brain to speed up.

i want more of hillsong, surrender them to me people!!! if anyone of you has their songs, please send me kayys :D no moolah to buy :D

Feel really drained today, i don't know why.

Autistic children... On one hand I want to go into psycholinguistics to help them.

but science is really not my thing. if i go crazy, i'll probably try it next sem.

my eyes are closing, but the reading infront of me wants me to get to know him.

you know, i feel like telling you, 'i am really not interested'

but it feels like matchmaking, im forced to sit through your 'valiant stories'

Like when you're drop dead boring, i still have to take it in, and pretend i know what you're saying but at the end of the day, i know nothing about you. and will not want to see you again.

yeap, this is precisely how i see my reading. A boring forced date.

i still wanna watch life as we know it.. i have nothing on on Friday, get an awesome hairdo and watch an awesome movie? sounds good. but the pricey tickets kinda turn me off. something tells me i'll be better off home watching some other chick flick. speaking of which, i havent had the chance to watch august rush. and eat pray love,and also many other movies.. oh gosh, the list just goes on and on. I'm a sucker for romantic-comedies and tearjerkers. (and also the HOT casts , i want more of richard gere and julia roberts together XD )

ok, i should hit my sheets soon. lets not waste each other's time now. i believe i'll score better with you when i feel less lethargic. for now, nighty nights! :D

The One

They say we only meet one soulmate in our lifetime.

I used to believe in soulmates, until lately when i realise how hard it is to find someone who actually knows what I think/feel...

I have a complicated mind. a slightly warped and twisted one that thinks of the extraordinary. I see things that most people don't, and likewise, i don't see what others do. Or rather, i'm a little slow on that.

i'm a huge labyrinth , a hybrid of a million things... From my personality to my habits. A seemingly mild personality with an unimaginable violent streak that may act up when things go out of hand. The last time was in primary school. and the only violence are the ones i inflict on myself (ok, plus my brother and my bitch HAHAHA) So i suppose, i'm like a harmless rabbit on the surface. :D

My music genre speaks alot about me I suppose-- it ranges from classical to death metal. Thats how drastic it is. (still think i'm a tamed sheep? think twice :D )

I could be extremely cheena, gluing my eyes to a sappy chinese novel, or I could be intrigued by the grotesque imagery conjured by sylvia plath. Many a times I sing cheesy chinese songs, and at times, a different side of me misses the harmony and the resonance of choral voices. i'm a sucker for the artyfarty talk, and I could transform into ah lian mode liKe ThiS. ^_^ shooo CuTeX! (ok, this was the old me hurh hurh). That was just an exaggerated comparison, but you get my point. I am Singlish-Cheena piang, and a tragic poet at the same time.

My identity is a mystery.

Its a little of everything.

I mean EVERYTHING.

even things that i am not expected to be.

things that no one knew i'd be.

but thats just me.

unexpected and unique.

a mystery, even to me.

So then, where do i find that soulmate, whos like me?

ahh, another mystery.

holmes, you probably have to try harder on this one.

I have yet to seen one unique person like me. an assorted mix.

apart from my brother. HAHAH. ironically, since i said unique.

i'm probably one of a kind.

probably the piece of puzzle that went wrong.

the key that can't fit in any lock.

but then, I myself is special.

so i wouldn't mind being me, on my own.

I may never show my two sides freely to one single person.

but then i may show different sides to different people.

would that then be easier?

or i would it be better to hide just a few sides..?

that would be cheating aint it?

but its the same logic as, im not lying, i just didnt say it.

if you want me to show the hidden sides, I may, if you could appreciate.

If not, i'm just what a part of Eileen you know.

Therefore friends, don't be surprised.

I am more than what you see/think.

Soulmate, the One? tough job...

But if i do find you, I'd wanna say this--

"you're really special" :)

its kinda like driving me insane. many things at one time....
I dont want to feel, don't wanna think.
ah, so infuriating.

Yesterday's sermon was good. I couldn't help but text my friend the message that was delivered. I believe most people (including myself of course) should bear it in mind.

'what you speak changes your life'

Speed of sound creates the speed of light. Because God ha to say 'let there be light' before there was light. It kinda hit me, about how important our speech is.

What we speak changes our life. We never realize it, but really it changes us day by day. Like what I learnt from cs100. We perceive something to be true, even if it isn't. When we expect someone to behave this way, somehow or rather, that person will behave that way. When we are prejudiced or have negativity against someone. We will only see the bad. Even if it's something good, we wouldn't see it that way.

The Cgl told us that Someone did an experiment. She had 2 plants, and through their growth, she went to one pot and hurled all the negative words and powerful words like hatred and stuff. And she went to the other pot to sing praises, showing affection. The plant that had ugly words being hurled at withered... It shows how important words of affection are towards living things. Not just living, I think? And it also shows how negativity will result in further negativity.

If we say it, God will give us excess of what we expect.

God I want a gpa 4.5!!!! I'm not greedy k!! :) I don't need 5, 4.5 will do God. THANK YOU! muacks hahah

Yesterday was fruitful. :) bought pastor prince's sermons that I missed. He preached about the power of speaking too. Anyway, yesterday's acoustic session was pretty awesome. Feel like joining the worship group to sing praise! God give mr strength!!!:)

What a week it has been. Communications crash course in a night. I think it did help, given that I knew nothing about it. The weekend to recover. And seeking Him later :) Finally. And my prayer worked for Para. My period's finally here. Spared from the PMS. Though chocs helped me alot on that, but definitely not on my 'slim down resolution'



From my fingertips

[Nagootv] 9.10.10 To Hebe concert at Taipei, Legacy rehearsal Part 2

hooked on it :D

Speak Out What You Believe In Christ! 17 October 2010 Message Excerpt

Are we afraid of being alone? or are we simply afraid of being seen alone. Most people fear the social label that marks who we are; If you're seen with a group of social elites, you're LV. If you're seen partying with a pool of cool asses, you're marc jacob., and if you're hanging out with miserable people , you're just L without the V. If you're nibbling your sandwich in a corner. Thats it, wave goodbye to your social life. It may not be like the States over here, but the whole labling thing, it exists, like it or not. We arent that extreme, but we cant avoid it (we are all secretly doing it). Yes, even the losers judge. (oops!)

I'm fine out on my own. Shopping, strolling, movies, eating (still needs getting used to). Its not the alone-ness when you're doing things that's scary. But the wander/wondering eyes that make me squirm in my seat. Or the guy at the ticket booth that keeps emphasizing on "just one ticket?!" with his bulging eyes and bewildered tone. If doing things alone was a norm, we probably wouldn't face this kind of treatment. Screw "Man are social animals", yes we are, only to a certain extent :)

My taskmanager is gonna overload soon if i don't get back to work. Just found out a few hours ago that i have an assignment due monday. and all the while i've been panicking over the assignment due friday. and all the quizzes and presentations next week. omg. what a FML moment. HE WILL WALK ME THROUGH! :D

Talking about Him. let me just bring up something before i forget.
My dad called me last monday, telling me that he's getting me a diamond cross. I was a little pissed when I first knew of it, cause firstly it is not cheap, and I don't see why i needed such an expensive cross. What if i lost it? I would want a simple cross so I could wear it everywhere. But my dad said its okay and he says its really very pretty and he wants to get that cross for me. I thought my mum would stop him in my place but he text me later at night

" I bought for you a cross as a symbol of christ. it took some time for me to convince your mum to accept it. hope you will like it and take care sweet"

This message totally melt my heart. I still feel the pinch for my dad, but if it makes him happy, then, i should appreciate and be grateful... shouldn't I? Will use my life to protect it, cause its such a meaningful gift. It also shows how my mum is accepting my faith. (not her accepting God, but accepting me for loving my Lord) I admit i'm not very very pious, I sin, alot. I don't go to church regularly. BUT important thing is, i still love him, and he knows i do. Thats the most essential thing for me. We have a relationship that I don't need to publicize nor do I need to emphasize through any activity. its just me and Him. I think thats enough. Any other, I will do it at my own will and at my own pace.

Taking off, for real :D

Life is like a bed of roses. Seemingly beautiful and charming, intoxicating mystique. But it pricks you real hard when you try to hold on to it too lightly. Not telling people to take things too lightly. Just a reminder here that we should learn to let go when it hurts too much . We don't have to drop that rose, just don't grasp it too tightly in your hands. You're the one who's gonna bleed. Reminder to all, and a reminder to self. I take every decision I make too highly. Even when deciding whether to shit or not. I have a pros and cons list in my head every time I take a step. My aim in life is to do things that will bring out the best of a situation . Better use of time, or better use of resources/manpower and benefiting everyone. Perhaps people don't have the patience, and I don't blame them. But bare in mind that when you hurl Such words on me, it stays with me. Albeit already familiar with your manner of speech, it still cuts me every time. And it hurts more cause I was planning for your convenience. If selflessness is a crime, then forgive me for being selfish next time.

I'm in the vicinity of woodlands already. And my shoe bag stinks. Sorry fellow commuters. Especially the one beside me. I sincerely don't want it to stink that much. Heh

I wonder if I'm about the right thing. Because I foresee the same thing happening again. People (including myself) judge a person based on what they do. Irregardless of what the rationale is. But I really do hope that as friends, you guys will understand... I'll try to do what I can, but meanwhile, dont judge me. It's not gonna make things any easier.

Third week missing church. What a bad girl I am. :( this Sunday I will!! Anyone wanna go with me?:)

I think it's a calling.. Tis' the third time I've dreamt of being a wedding planner. And this time round, the wedding was really grand! I love weddings. Thinking about how I might not hold my own saddens me. But it'll be damn awesome to help couples create a memory of a lIfetime. And hopefully that moment will remind them of how blissful they once were during their rough times. Though they often say that the problems start arising during the marriage planning. Oh, and for some odd reason I dreamt of TBS in his suit. Ever charming and ever terrifying. I was supposed to move in to the place where he works. Really really odd dream. But I heard the chorale version of 'beautiful thing'. I think it's all cause of you faith!

Just when we were talking about our future yesterday. I think being a wedding planner is really an awesome job. Next step: research!!!!!


From my fingertips

Really should learn how to not trust everyone so easily. Weak defense...

Eileen chia, jiayou!
And for once, I will sleep early. 早睡早起身体好... I shall experience it for a day. And people, just distract me... Keep things out of my head. I don't know who's reading this... But whoever it is... Keep me occupied.

jogging with people is easier than jogging alone. but I wouldn't want to bore anyone with my speed, so... next time I shall ask my earphones and my phone for company. It was good nonetheless, cleared up alot of things actually, and somethings i've kept inside for too long. its good i actually found a trustworthy friend to confide in :) Really hard to find someone on the same frequency now. so those tuning in to Eileen Chia Emo All Day, thanks and sorry if you don't get me. its really too bad. For those call-ins, i'm appreciative and grateful.

actually i have a few more additional questions swarming in my head now. And I needa make a decision quick. Give me a sign!!!

I think we should have emo corners in hall. A place of solitude, to just sit, see stars and wait for the dark clouds to pass by. I wanted to talk to someone badly. Don't know who to call, and i didnt feel like talking. I'm such a woman. (no negative connotations here) argh. ok, i hope jogging helps.

:(

I'm no longer feeling blur at school, or going to class and only realize at the start that there's tutorial to be done. Very good start. And I think it's really productive to stay in the reading room without leaving for class. There still occasional procrastination here and there but definitely much lesser.:)

16 oct. I really can't wait!!! It is seriously the most awesome birthday gift I could get. Ok maybe apart from true love. And Miracles do happen!:) I think I will melt and evaporate.. So if I'm MIA after the 16th it's either I evaporated or I eloped with junsu . Hahaha. Wow been a long time since I mentioned his name. :D

It's getting easier and harder inside. I realize I'm always avoiding. My heart was black... Now it's grey... But I rather it turns back to black. Saves me the trouble. Well, I'm doing good. Jiayou! This is what I'm good at. Self psychoing:)

Inspired to write like the top notch writers. Unfortunately, theres a limit to my non-existent flair.

Though Dreams being dreams, theres more to it then just sitting around and filling up empty thought-bubbles everyday. We need to work towards them, and if we fail. We know we tried to at least get close to it. I tried to get closer to one of my dreams, that is to have my own concert in some stadium with amazing acoustics. We need more than just the daily shower-head moments. With everything else crowding into my schedule, theres definitely no time for classes or the ambitious goal of picking up the guitar. (Yes I can pick the guitar up, but sadly, I can't pick up the skill) Nonetheless, it will remain part of me and reminding me that I have a passion within me.

Theres many things I want to do in life. To sing, to write, to open a bistro/book cafe, but before that, i probably have to slog half my life out before I get enough capital and income to sustain my life, my cute little puppies and my parents. (Ok, puppies can come later ^_^) Seems nicely planned out, and I have a clear vision of my future that clearly do not involve sitting in a lab or dealing with any mechanics. The furthest deviation I see myself going would probably be sitting in a bank pushing buttons on a calculator and doing spreadsheets. Since I've mostly likely decided on placing focus on building my bank account, working in a bank seems like a good idea for someone with no commitments :) KACHING!

I know its a vicious cycle, and I can see where it is going again. But will i have the balls to break it? Not when my intuition tells me things arent going my way...

Me, Myself and Mine
Sumiko Tan
14 July 2007, The Straits Times


I lost a friend last year. No, no, he's well, as well can be. What I mean is that I lost a friendship last year.

It was sad because it was one of the longest surviving friendships I'd left.

We met when I was 19, and in over two decades, stayed in touch although we lead very different lives. His is glamorous whereas mine, well, you know what my life's like.

It wasn't a friendship in which we shared deep and dark secrets. We met infrequently and there were even periods when we didn't communicate for years.

But when we did finally get in touch, as we always seemed to do, we could pick up from where we'd left off. Maybe it was because we kept things light.

Anyway, we had a disagreement one day and it was, of all things, related to work. The matter escalated - bewilderingly - to some nasty name-calling hurled over a flurry of self-righteous SMSes on both sides.

He was angry, I was fed-up, and so that was that, the end of a 23-year friendship.

It did sadden me, and over the Christmas and New Year period when I was feeling more emotionally vulnerable than usual, I was tempted to offer the olive branch.

But I couldn't, and didn't.

I felt I didn't deserve the harsh words flung at me and didn't see why I had to make the first move.

I also realised that maybe the friendship wasn't much of one if it couldn't withstand a quarrel like that.

Most of all though, I didn't send a conciliatory SMS because what would it have achieved? What purpose would it have served?

Because the older I get, the more I've come to realise that, one, it's not worth getting upset when people disappoint you because, more often than not, they don't give a hoot that they are letting you down; and, two, it's pointless to depend on others to make you happy.

Far safer and saner for one to be self-sufficient first, and to be the source of one's own happiness.

Of course, you should show empathy and concern towards those around you, and if you can make others feel good, don't stop. Just don't expect or demand for that to be reciprocated.

Maybe I've been disappointed by too many people too often and am seeking comfort in cynicism.

Whatever the case, when I look back at my 20s and 30s, it does seem to be one endless period of seeking approval, striving to be nice and desiring to be loved and liked by the people I loved and liked.

Sometimes, the efforts were reciprocated and I'd be flying high.

But when they weren't, I'd beat myself up over it. What was it about me that they didn't like? Was I not nice or kind or understanding enough? Or was I too nice, kind and understanding, therefore suffocating them?

(I do realise, of course, that this is from my perspective; I could well be self-deluded about my positive qualities.)

For too long, my happiness and sense of worth were tied to things beyond my control - how I was regarded, whether I was being thought about, whether the phone would ring, whether I was considered worthy enough company for the weekend.

I needed approval, my expectations of others were high, but I was only setting myself up for disappointment.

Just because you want someone's life to revolve around yours doesn't necessarily mean that he wants that, too.

And even if he does, well, people are busy with their own lives, too. You can't make another person fit your specifications and your demands just so you - and only you - can be happy.

And rather than behave in this unreasonable way, isn't it smarter to be more independent? To not have to depend on others for validation?

The problem is - how does one go about making oneself happy, especially if, like me, you don't particularly like your own company that much?

Oh, there are things I've learnt to do alone. I'm fine with shopping, watching a move and even attending a pop concert alone. But to spend a whole weekend by myself, to travel alone, to face me and my thoughts 24/7 - that's awful.

To escape such a spectre, I've been willing to contort myself to be pleasing to those whose company I hankered for. I've been willing to eat humble pie and yes, send conciliatory SMSes when I shouldn't.

It's not surprising, really, for in his latest book Social Intelligence, Daniel Goleman talks about how the human brain is "wired to connect".

Neuroscience has found that the brain is designed to be sociable. When people are together, their brains "engage in an emotional tango, a dance of feelings."

And he points out, research has found that good-quality relationships are one of the strongest sources of a person's well-being. "Resonant relationships are like emotional vitamins, sustaining us through tough times and nourishing us daily."

That's well and good, but what if you encounter more toxic relationships than positive ones?

What if, as Goleman himself describes it, your encounters with others leave you with more of an afterglower than an afterglow? How do you inoculate yourself against disappointment?

For me, the answer must be to be more self-sufficient, and the key to that, I reckon, must be to respect yourself more - to find ways to be at peace with yourself and content with what you are and have.

It is also to do with finding what I call a happy place within yourself where you can retreat to, your own safe haven, if you like.

Soon after my quarrel with my friend, I went on holiday to a spa with Hua Hin in Thailand. (With my mother; I wasn't brave enough to face a holiday with myself.)

One evening after a massage and before getting ready for dinner, I sat by the balcony and looked out at the sea. It was that dusky twilight period before night fell, a time of day I often dread.

Maybe my endorphins had been stimulated by the massage, but at that moment, I felt a sense of utter well-being, of being completely self-contained.

My mind - usually in overdrive mode wondering, predicting and hoping that I was on some loved one's thoughts - was a nice, clean blank.

I knew then that I did have the ability to be by myself and yet happy, that my own company wasn't half bad.

I had found my happy place which didn't require anybody.

It felt good.

http://www.generationterrorists.com/articles/me_myself_and_mine.shtml

Good piece of writing... long way to go twin.. long way.....

被爱是幸福，爱人是痛苦。

这是一种恶劣循环...

I thought I could be distracted by keeping myself busy. But its only temporal it seems. God, help me. I never really wanted help in this way. But I could do with some enlightenment really.

My link is not on my msn anymore. I suppose I get lesser viewership but it's good in a way:) I'm getting a little too emotional for everyones good. And before people start questioning me about stuff. Like i said, I'm a real bad liar.

Counting down to my birthday already... Kinda dreading it, like always.

With this post. I shall end the longest day of the sem.(for now)

reminiscing the times...

Some people walk into our lives, holding our hands and bringing us through our tough times. In Singapore, for some of us, the 25 years of our lives are crafted out into that few phases. And every time we step into a new place, these people put our hands into others, and we continue with our pilgrimage. Few years later, we wonder, what happens to them, and if they still remember us. We really cant say for sure that Friends are forever, but memories will be. Thanks for being part of my life.

That few people who came to talk to me despite everything when I was in AMKNPS, Regina especially. I remember the moment at the foyer when you told me not to cry. I was really trying hard not to. And thanks guys for allowing me join the soccer gang when I had nowhere to go.

It really got better when I transferred to NSPS. Thats when I realise that girls are actually kind, at still at some point of time bitchy. but nonetheless, nice. And You, who made me realize that we really cant trust guys. Thanks for the lesson.

My time in CVSS was pretty interesting. Clad in the "table cloth" I was still very proud of the council badge and the black tie. Best in the neighbourhood I thought. HAHAH. The carpark brings back memories. Where we let the wild child within out, and also where I got suspended. I had my principles then, so punishment or not, i stick to them. But that moment was classic. I think theres a reason why we werent allowed to loiter in the carpark. The devil lurks there.

I miss my welfare zone (I dont miss the creepy stalker), miss the banner painting sessions, miss the bbqs in school, miss lying in the middle of the courtyard or the basketball court looking at stars, miss the walk home from school everyday, miss bar-stretching (not the guys who stare at us from below), miss dance rehearsals, miss running in and out of the office and the stinky council room, miss the irritating music that signals assembly time and screaming at the Ah bengs to assemble and tuck in their shirts, miss the time where we could be rebellious and do foolish things. Did so many things within that 4 years... Time really flies.

NY life was pretty arty farty. Finally I didnt have to do science. History and Literature. oh and math, pfft. Choir after school, sing sing sing. Nua and sleep in the beanbags in Lit Room. Really love that hangout place. The most awesome classroom ever. But i missed out horrible math and econs consultation sessions. Econs was a nightmare for me. Or rather, Ms. Poh was. LOVE the choir girls :) Being the only person with my combination, its hard to bond with the classmates. The lit clique is all over the place now. :(

But my precious darlings from choir, you know who you are, SMILE! (ps faith - i know you are secretly thinking that i'm not doing what you said at popeyes. HAHAH) I rather have few close close friends than a sea of acquaintances.

Friends who are still in my life, lets keep it going :) I believe my life will only get better each day! YAY.

damn, DBSK made me blogged for so long. Seeing how close the 5 of them were, and what has become of them. damn saddening. Nonetheless, my top 3 bias, JYJ is awesome.... :D when the best voices come together. MELTS....

I need to stop emoting. I need distractions. The readings aren't doing a good job. The music makes things worse. OH BOY! I wanna scream (sing) !!!!

I'm a bad liar. But, I lied, nonetheless.

If you saw through it someday, and if you want to know the truth.

Ask me again, and I will tell you the truth.

If you're reading this, right now it probably wouldn't mean anything.

But remember this post, cause someday it will...

shudders, i actually typed the above.

P.S. Roomie, don't worry, cause i'm a pessimist and a retard. my heart tells me that the last guy on earth probably wouldn't fall me. So even if i sound hopeful, deep down I actually don't think so. :) or :( IDK!!! BUT THANKS ALOT FOR HEARING MY CRAP BOTH OF YOU. BITCH AND ROOMIE. :D

It's hard to live in a world where only that few number of people truly understand me, and when that few aren't inclusive of my parents. A part of me longs for home, and a part of me dreads it. Wish Theres somewhere where I could be who I am. Heaven is still so faraway... God, I think I've learnt enough, so would you do something? Not just for me, but for us... My threshold is just that big, and I'm really up to my limits. So God, before I hate home, could you do something?


From my fingertips

It's a white lie


From my fingertips

Packed day!! And according to Mr. Past-midnight 's theory, I only had one meal yesterday. Hahaha but I alrdy had breakfast.. Oh well, mooncake for lunch

Sometimes I think no one reads my blog. Sometimes the most unexpected people read it. But sometimes I just wish you would. It's an odd feeling... Unhappily happy. Argh.

To go or not to go for cg?? The hectic week makes me wanna go home and mug, or mug then go home. Missed out too much! And so much for wanting to improve on my gpa. I'm sure God wants me to mug right? :)

I'm a loner at school! Omg :(

From my fingertips

Time will do the talking.... Just how we get through during these times


From my fingertips

i suppose it was okay! Many many thanks who turned up and sat through the rally! (esp the few of you who came and ate non stop in the function room. i secretly heartached a little ^^) Thanks to those who helped me prepared, and the well wishes from some of you. And also special thanks to Beer and Kevin who gave me easy questions. (K: no wonder you said your questions will only help people. hahah) lastly, Thank you God. :D

HAPPY BELATED MAF PEOPLE! I really shouldn't be blogging now cause its already 2:18, i'm at page 5/27 for one of the 2 readings. and my tutorial isnt making any sense to me, but still... here I am. just realised i didnt reply you, bitch. HAHAH. sorry, as always. i'm really sorry that at times i don't reply. but i will asap k! LOL and sorry again to you girls, i'm really quite busy lately! unless u all wanna come all the way here den i can slot in a few hours! damn bad i know, thats why i say i cant make it instead! i hope the next time i meet you all wldnt be my birthday. Elaine and Manda seemed to already have disappeared from my life. DAMN SADDENING I TELL YOU.

i think its really the night, and the music... and the moon?

and i'm really quite confused by what i'm feeling.... seriously.. i need an idiots guide. I sound like a guru when I help others, but I'm stuck when it comes to me. ARGH&@^&@^&@^$%^@&$(*

有时装潇洒，以为这样就没关系。

有时假装冷漠，就可以不受打击。

有时却忘了，装着装着，他人就会渐渐忘记。。。其实我不是你们想象中那么勇敢。。。

oh my 天。。。。what a bad time to emo D:

A movie after so long. Like I told Faith, 1 month or 2 without a movie is excruciatingly long for me. I thought it was a norm. More movies on my list, so fellow movie goers please text me cause I wouldn't refuse a good movie :D

Justin Long and Drew Barrymore, real chemistry eh? Really sweet couple though. Both charming in their own ways. Out of the blue, Richard Gere popped in my head, ah, hes a walking definition of HOT. Please pardon my fetish for old guys. Speaking of which, I feel like watching a Mel Gibson movie NOW... damn. I should get back to the marketing text. Many many thanks to Lydia who lent it to me :) Totally saved my life, and my pocket.

A thought striked my head during the movie, and Jason/Colbie's Lucky was playing in my head. "I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend". For some, its a natural thing to be in love with the guy bestie, but for some, its just plain awkward and inadequate, as though committing incest. Well, for some people, they just dig everyone. Urgh... screw off these people. LOL! I call this group the "any-ball-go" category. But it really is essential for the lover to be a best friend at the same time. Imagine not being able to fart or swear freely in front of him/her. There should be a certain level of comfort and understanding with each other before a man and a woman get together ain't it? Still, theres people out there who prefer going into a relationship and then get comfortable. Wouldn't it be too late when you realise how uncomfortable it is?

Also, seeing how Erin was looking out for a job kinda scared me. Its gonna be much worse in the future because Singapore being Singapore, only has Singapore. ok, what a circular statement. I ought to be shot for saying that line. LOL! What I was trying to say, was that theres only SPH over here in this small Island. If they don't want me, then I'll have to screw myself in some corner (T_T ) Oh well, God has his plans, so I will not fret for now. Lets just see what he has in mind for me. I always think the future is exciting. HAHAHA. and I always want to grow up faster, and then regretting it. Maybe not regretting what I'm going through, just regretting how much I wanted time to pass, and then without knowing, I've already gone through almost 2 decades of youth.

My bladder is signaling for me to stop here. its Lydia's birthday in just half an hour so I should just go pee first and pop by roomie's room.

Toodles people!

3:33...
Still wide awake..
Had a long conversation with mummy. A part of me was burning and dying to get her to go for a Chinese service. Not the pious, new church go-er mentality but one of a filial daughter. I told her alot of things. From the general outlook of life to the most private level of our emotions. The above post o mentioned about being old. And she asked me the exact same question. Why are you not speaking like your age should? She asked me after I shared my thoughts with her, how I could see through certain people. I told her what i said below. She didn't remember the past events and insisted I made them up. To a point I was actually almost convinced that maybe a part of me did conjure up hallucinations. But no, my brother remembered too. I was only p1 or even younger then, yet those images stayed vivid in my mind.


At this point, I just want to clarify a point, that is I'm not emphasizing that I'm mature or anything. In fact, I don't think I am. I just went through more than most people my age, forced to start maturing earlier than others. If anything, I will simply say the latter mentioned. Perhaps the same reason why I am unable to clique with people my age or younger unless they themselves have gone through quite a bit. Most of my close fiends had. You guys will know it if im talking about you. I had a greater affinity with seniors, incidentally or coincidentally. Incidentally but not purposefully. I can only say it happens naturally and subconsciously. I'm not one who bootlicks or anything just because you are of higher status or of older age. I agree with what I hear and disagrees accordingly. This as a result may seem condescending to those who don't know me well. I'm just into intellectual debate and sharing. If I disagree with you, don't be taken aback. And if I say I think so too, I really do! (:
I don't speak very well, and my thoughts aren't exactly organized. Which is why I find it so much easier to communicate through written and visual forms. I can insert ideas here and there or deleting certain words and organize them as and when. Stop and think carefully before continuing. This is how I am. I may not sound coherent because I'm like J. Joyce, going along with my stream of consciousness that jumps here and there. Switching and off from the real world and the labyrinth inside my warped mind. And I say my brain is warped , don't doubt it. It's twisted like I said down there. Which is why I really fancy those seagulls n seaweed kinda questions.

Aight, I should really try to sleep. It's 4:03. Exactly half an hour passed. Nights to myself and bye to whoever is reading this.:)
P.s. I really welcome comments and discussion so do talk to me if you have any comments or questions reading my stuff. I will be more than happy to talk. Let's not make talk cheap. We need to find greater value in talk.



From my fingertips

This little girl was wearing the digimon jacket I used to have!! Brings back so many memories of when I was young. Hmm, can't really remember much of my childhood though, but I really am starting to feel old. Especially when people ask if I'm 21. Though I'm physically not, I feel pretty old inside. My mind started growing since god knows when, basically, when people were worrying about not going to the amusement park, crying and whining, I was already thinking if my mum was going to die, either she kills herself or my brother kills her. Or if I end up killing myself. Or when people were wondering what to eat from the school canteen, I was wondering which toilet I was gonna eat in. I'm glad as I got older, I don't have such things to worry about. It's an irony how these things bothered me when I was younger. Ok, enough of the depressing things.
Need to build up my soul :) *humpf....* a light glows above me and.... Nothing more hahhaha!


From my fingertips

蚯蚓的故事

我昨天有一个领悟。。。

就是，丑小鸭会变天鹅，毛毛虫终究会变成蝴蝶。。。

蚯蚓看着毛毛虫，心里想着，哇。。可能我也会变成美丽的蝴蝶。

可是等待变得太漫长，蚯蚓就想，一定是有什么问题。

蚯蚓想尽办法，甚至把自己全身涂绿，把自己吃得有点肥。。

心里想着，可能多一阵子，就可以变成蝴蝶了！

怎么知道，等着等着。。。一直都没有任何变化。。
一天蚯蚓在爬行。。。他爬得好累。心理期待着飞翔的一天。。

绝望的他爬着，这时候他仰着头，只看到Nike的大钩钩，然后世界瞬间变得黑暗。。。

就这样，蚯蚓花了一生的时间，等待，期待。。。而在最后一刻，也只能抱着期待。。。

他不知道，原来蚯蚓就是蚯蚓。。。不可能变成在花瓣中停息的蝴蝶。

昨天在球场上，灯光照在身上，那个感觉超棒的。只是，当下我希望我是在舞台上，而不是，不属于自己的地方。有时候觉得自己想法有点幼稚，香烂草莓一般。可是，如果可以停止自造伤害。何尝不是一种解脱方式。。？

最近心情很复杂。。。起起落落的。。一下空着，一下又觉得暖暖的。。。　

可能因为我还在学习。。。　而想你的习惯，也在尝试戒掉。只是真的有些难度。。。

加油加油加油！！！

what do we do at crossroads?

what do we do if we can't hear our shepherd?

who else can we call upon?

No one else for me, so lord, do find me here.

right here...

我寂寞寂寞就好
这时后谁都别来安慰拥抱
就让我一个人去痛到，忘不了伤到快疯掉
人本来就寂寞的
借来的都该还掉

Bought hebe's first solo album:) can't wait to hear it tomorrow.

What's done is done. We can only 'forgive' but we most probably can't forget. We can't hit a rewind button and hope that we never did or say something. So, whatever we do, think of it's consequences. This is one of my bane. I think too much, and whatever I do has a reason, though it may sometimes be understood. But trust me, I always have my reasons for doing every single thing. Including choosing an appropriate time to shit. My mum said to me after lunch :'sometimes I really don't know what goes on in your head. You constantly look blank' I told her Im not blanking out. I just think too much such that every move I make, I'm thinking for the best scenario. Its not that I don't think, I just think too much. This alone is often misunderstood and misinterpreted.

Secret recipe is dirt cheap over at jb. Cab fares too. Bitch, it's not my fav hangout but there's really no where left to go in Singapore! But actually we haven't explored alot of places. The next time we should explore new places. Make use of technology like google map and other cool apps hahah. School officially starts tomorrow so I should at least try to close my eyes and try to sleep. Nights all:)

Romans 5: 6-21

Was expecting more from the arrow service today, but nonetheless it was good.
Left early, so probably would have miss out some things.
I'm a believer, yet I'm not joyful. Maybe I haven't opened up my heart enough for Him, knowing or unknowingly...
But it sets me thinking, that I should, then maybe then, I will be happy, not for one moment, but for most of my days. :D

I'm starting to feel it :) call it a placebo if you must. But I believe he will pull me up, and I will be a somebody, for I have all the strength I need. Its not just me, I'm living a life of Christ.

Okay, I shall not let this be too overwhelming for non-believers and the cynics.


After months of search, my parents got me a wallet as my birthday present. They got too frustrated seeing the way I shop for one. Everytime I go out with them, they will say," no wonder you are still single. at the rate you are going, you will be single all your life. SO CHOOSY!"
I'm not choosy, even for wallets, I believe theres a right one. My parents can force me to use a wallet they buy, but they cant force me to marry the one they want. My mum brought me to Bonia to see if I saw something else that I liked and make an exchange instead. I told her "you're like putting me on a planet with Old rich men, asking me to pick one out of these selections." So I settled for the one they bought for me instead. So the wallet you see me carry around, is the one I'm talking about right now. I just think its quite a waste to spend so much on something that isn't the right one. I don't mind owning a 20 dollar wallet, nor would I mind splurging, if I think its the right one. Well, the search continues, and it will be a long search, so till i find the right one, i will make do with what I have.

gosh, i'm a naggy old woman. I can go on and on about a single wallet. LOL! no pun intended on the term 'single'

Can't wait to get Hebe's solo album tomorrow!!! Shes lovely!!! Shes like Ms-perfectly-not-so-perfect. secret confession only to my beloved readers : she switches on my lesbian tendencies!!! (if theres any)

My mum is calling for me to get to bed again, nighty nights! :D

I hope I get some answers today. Break these shells of mine.


From my fingertips

不知道為什麼。。。
在鍵盤上打了那麼多 LOL 和 HAHAH，好像都沒用。。。
反而像是在諷刺我，嘲笑坐在熒幕後的我。。

阿密特的分生
“一個我在網絡上朋友一堆，一個我在房間裡獨自面對。灰色的音樂塞滿黑夜，high 得像麻醉”

希望可以不要再一直打中文字了。。
希望可以不要在想一些沒營養的東西。。
希望可以不要太在意。。
希望可以不要想你或為你痛心。。

每次想哭的時候都會忍住，不知道哭出來後，會不會更好。。？　

謝秀盈！你給我快樂一點！！！！！！！！！！！

I have a million questions for you.

one links to another, and it never ends.

好像看见你一面，心情就会变得好一些。。

同时，也让我心痛的却不只一些。

我知道你的心已被占据，但我还是无法停止对你的想念。

好想知道你的一百分会给怎样的人。那我会尽力，考上一百零一分。

但我知道，就算我有两百分，你也不会多看我一眼。。

Juniors/neighbors made my day today :) really glad to be recognized as "the singer" and with people who like my voice not because we're friends or anything. Now I realize how important each fan and applause are to the singers up on stage. It's not the growing digits in the account balance that spur them on, but the recognition and appreciation of their talents that keep them going despite all the shit they have to go through. Thanks to all my friends and some 'fans' on YouTube , for boosting my confidence and helping me out of the mess of inferiority complex. I will constantly improve!:)

我们好像都是艺人。。

说话要像主持人那样，找爆点，制造效果。。

有些主持人比较会制造效果，而自然而然，收视率就会往上飚。

而周围就会有几个B 咖，帮忙加持，添多一些，让这些A 咖 有更多机会发挥。。

我本身就是那种B咖，沉默是我的代表作，加上一些不好笑得冷笑话。

偶尔镜头会往我这边闪过几秒，那几秒有时又累又漫长。。而有时候，却像烟火一样，灿烂的光辉短暂的飞逝过。。

如果我是艺人，我宁愿当歌星。。 因为歌声是骗不了人的。真心真意传出来的讯息，是没有附加效果，没有刻意制造的爆点。但也就是因为这样，我无法唱出快乐的 high 歌，因为我的心是安静的。心中的平静和哀伤，只允许我唱出心酸的调子。但也许我还不能打动人心，因为平静的我，还在揣摩怎么让我的心门打开，让这些眼泪一次涌出来。

喧闹跟寂静本来就是两个极端。。

但不知道为什么，我就是有能力把这两个极端同时放在一起。

可能喧闹声太缭乱，让我选择什么都不要听。。

安静的夜里，只有键盘传来的声音。。

安静。。。。 是我这些不会主持也不会演戏的B 咖的归宿。

我的自闭症，好像从没离开过。。可能因为这样。有时说话很累。。

我蛮好其，情侣两个人，该怎么填满这些沉默，两个人不停地说话。。真的很累。。

佩服佩服。。

正在看呼叫大明星。

为什么越是幸福的画面，越是让轻易让人落泪。。

First day of school

I came back to room after bath at 9:06 thinking I could dress and blow dry my hair in time for the 9:30 class, which means i would have to leave at 9:15. Unfortunately, time flies by so quickly in the morning. It was already 9:25 when I was done. At that instant I realised it was pouring. With no umbrella in hall, I still left, thinking if I should just dash out in the rain. But when i stood at the edge of the sheltered area, i retreated and went back to my room. Maybe God wants me to rest today :)

I decided to check edventure cause Seohying told me her seminar was cancelled today. and Bow Wow Wow, my first class starts on the 6 Sept. So, thank God, for stopping me with the rain. My brother says i'm the biggest blur queen ever. I really shouldn't be so blur anymore! At least, i'll try to!

that short morning rush was pretty eventful for a first day of school. Or rather unofficial first day, since my lessons only start on wednesday! YAY. and with that I shall go check out some electives and dive back into bed.

Schoo l is officially starting. I'm back in hall, with Calvin being my only company right now. I have to climb alot more steps to get to my room. Thankful that I got hall, and thank god, for my new roomie :D. speaking of which, i forgot to bring my bible. That aside, this is to remind myself to focus on school and pull up my damn disgusting GPA. XY just laughed at me for being so cui. but well, yes i will at least get second lower. or rather, second upper. AT LEAST.

something random, but i found out that its not doctors I hate, but the medicine they prescribe me. the doc gave me a stronger dose of antibiotics this time to cure the viral infection. 4 kinds of medicine to take. *splats* But, i really need to get well, or it will go on for another month. Coughing is really tiring.

I should go wash up and get sufficient rest for school soon. I wouldnt want to doze off in my first lesson in the sem. (though i really think i might).

if only your heart didn't belong to someone else, then maybe I would have dared to look your way.

Where do I belong? Haiz. Happy songs are not my genre....

God bless......


From my fingertips

In this world, it dosent matter what you do, but who you are. And what you say makes who you are. So then, is life all talk?
Talk is cheap, really?

I evaluate my life everyday. Having been through today, I've really seen how failed a person I am, and how life really is not fair.

One lesson learnt, my principles are my bane sometimes. But I really am obstinate when it comes to my principles.

Lost my voice again... I think I will just need to opt out last minute if possible...

My first time to new creations today. Amazed by the number of followers who went for that service. It was miracle seed Sunday , so the service was mainly about "giving" from freewill. Miracle seed sunday.. And I swallowed one seed from the lime. Ok, back on track. Pastor Prince said this just now,"I was blind , but now I see". Maybe we had our binds drawn such that we cannot see all the great things on earth and in life, even though they might be right in front of us. Sometimes we don't know our binds are closed, and we need our lord to draw it open. Sometimes we believe we can do it on our own. But what if we can't? We will prosper and we will receive His strength, can't say for sure when, but we will, one day.
PP also brought up one point, supernaturally natural. Things happen so naturally that we don't see them as God's act. The cynical me fights with the other me who believes in him. Both have their own take to things, but whatever it may be, I still chose to believe.

Cant type any longer for my eyes are shutting. I shall leave some time for me and Him before I doze off. Till after camp!! Nights . God bless all of you who read this post :) ok, those who didn't too :)



From my fingertips

我有看到那个无底洞
但我还是故作勇敢的跳下去
只是现在没有一丝光阴
而我只好留在原地
等待一个不可能的奇迹

"Taking a trip down memory lane
Things have changed One thing remains
That they will always have each other
And even though those days have gone
They know here is where they belong
Theres some kinda magic in the air

Feel the warmth
That only summer breezes can bring
Sweet little notes of spring begin
Nothing to fear

Taking one step at a time
Walking hand in hand
1 2 3 4
Cheek to cheek
And theyre learning How to do that dance
Let this love be forever more they say
I wish for this, to be true for you and me

Holding her close he leading the way
Out at the park Enjoying the Day
And you can tell theyll be ok
Feel the warmth
That only summer breezes can bring
Sweet little notes of spring begin
Nothing to fear

Taking one step at a time
Walking hand in hand
1 2 3 4
Cheek to cheek
And theyre learning How to do that dance
Let this love be forever more they say
I wish for this, to be true for you and me

Taking one step at a time
Walking hand in hand
1 2 3 4
Cheek to cheek
And theyre learning How to do that dance
Let this love be forever more they say
I wish for this, to be true for you and me
To be true for you and me
To be true for you and me
You and me
You and me"

sad songs make me sad.
happy songs, just makes me feel worse.

Yiruma - Kiss The Rain (Full Version)

This is gonna make me emo the whole night, but nonetheless very very beautiful.......

閉上眼睛忍住呼吸　暫時要和世界脫離
就快要學會不再想你　卻聽見不斷跳動的心

我允許　了你　讓愛的自由　還給你
我允許　了自己　承受這悲傷　到天明

我不願放棄　卻要故意默默允許
我答應自己　愛你的心絕口不提
總是以為終究化作　雲淡風輕
愛你到底　痛了自己

我不願放棄　卻要故意默默允許
我答應自己　愛你的心絕口不提
所有結局在這夜裡　都已成形
愛到了底　痛的是我的　真心

所有結局在這夜裡　都已成形
愛到了底　痛的是我的　真心


正符合我的心情，所以特别对着首歌动心。只是不至于痛心啦。

最近听十年感触也不同。因为真的十年了，相识十年。。。一个只有三分钟热度的我，还是非常念旧的好吗。我的胆怯和理智让一切画下句点，后来才发现原来这是最明智的决定。笨归笨，但我始终能看透一个人的心。这是让我很骄傲的一点。算是一种天赋吧。但当局者通常还是会迷！

有时心结需要自己打开，我唯一能做的只有提醒，给与安慰和依靠。但冰山也有溶解和不稳的时候。我尽力哦！

梦想有时候其实很简单，也其实并不遥远。它之所以难以追求与达成，是因为它由不得你。


From my fingertips

多想和你隔绝关系。
让你不再提醒我，我们之间有多遥远的距离。


人来人往，就是没有人愿意停留下来。

我真的不会唱歌

I hate pms. It's like a process I go through every month. Overly emotional, I feel like a bottomless pit. Hollow, empty and depressed. Gosh a really
Bad feeling, and it hits me more when the sun sets. :( and I can't do anything but blog.


I saw you in my dreams, you were right beside me smiling. Dreams don't come true and I could only lay in bed longer, wishing that I wouldn't have to wake up at all.

很多事情不只怎么说出口
很多事情我的心也不知道该怎么装。有时装得满满的，满到窒息。有时却空得吓人，空得没了呼吸。

又人曾说过，我能聆听，肩膀借你。但又怎样呢。。。？

最好的医生也会生病，而病了该找谁医？

We can be robbed of everything, but knowledge. They can take away everything, but not our wisdom. School is starting soon, and 90% of my attention will be placed on academics. The reading room will be my hideout every night. I needa bear in mind, that is the only thing that will not turn it's back against me, only I can.

Fellow friends who are schooling right now. Let's work hard! The next time we see our grades we shouldnt be thinking 'I should have studied harder'. No room for should haves.

I need to run... There's so many benefits that comes along with it that I don't see why I shouldn't be doing it. But Libras are really lazy. Wouldn't move till someone kick our asses. Hahahaha

就是空虚。。
一种莫名的感觉。
好像少了一块什么。。
但又说不出是什么。
我想因该是大姨妈又快来拜访了。
大姨妈太偏爱女生了。。 都不去拜访男生。。 不公平！


还是咳个不停。。
看来还是得再举多一次白旗，那着白卡去报到。
明天待在家，看看书，看看Grey's Anatomy, 听听音乐。。。陪一下家人。
快开学了，所以趁有在家的时候，能亲自下厨。


我有怪癖，就是下廚時，不喜歡別人在旁邊看或插手。
其實就只有我爸媽啦。因為他們太傳統，認為我的創意是亂來。但我下廚是靠 feeeling.
所以我沒有食譜。。而有什麼，就煮什麼。
所以人家問我會煮什麼，我都不知道怎麼回答。。但我熟悉的是中式料理，因為我爸媽除了中餐以外，其他都滿抗拒的。所以沒什麼機會嘗試別的料理。

真的快沒時間了。。珍惜這一點一滴吧。。




怎麼掏心掏肺，怎麼肝腸寸斷，又怎麼歇斯底里。。？
沒到過天堂，也沒下過地獄。。。
就只能這樣平平淡淡的。。 就這樣而已。。。